Monthly Archives: February 2009

Porn Linked to Crime Shock Horror Bullshit Story!

I found this today.

To save you reading the whole thing it boils down to this. One guy sees another in a diner and asks to use his laptop to check his Facebook account. Second guy says no, first guy snatches laptop because he’s so desperate to see if he’s been poked.

As the article points out the Facebook thing might just have been a diversionary tactic for a common act of theft. I just don’t hear anyone saying that social networking promotes crime because of it.

Can you imagine if the thief had claimed he wanted to watch a bit of online porn?

There would have been an outcry – “Porn addiction fuels crime wave.”

A purely hypothetical scenario I know and yet if you saw it published as a factual news report you’d believe it. And you’d have a queue of anti-porn activists queuing up to denounce porn and claim that this was proof that all adult content is evil.

It could be that I’m being rather biased here, though I’d like to think of it more that I’m fed up of people bashing the legitimate adult industry because their world view doesn’t the possibility that others might enjoy sex and have a sexuality outside their narrow world view.

I’m Coming!

It occurred to me this evening that I cannot come quietly. I’ve tried, believe me but the more I stifle my moans the less “natural” it makes the moment. It’s nothing new, I have been this way all my life. Perhaps it goes along with my personality, I like to be open and honest, it’s who I am.

To me being quiet and not expressing myself vocal during sex is like not being true to myself. Does that make sense. To be quiet would be…well, acting.

There are times when I have to force my head in to the pillow to stifle my cries of pleasure. For example when little nephew stays over. It’s bad enough coming down from an orgasm with the cat sitting next to you on the bed looking bewildered, let alone a small child standing by the bed. No, thanks. Best to be quiet or at least try. Lol

And when I am alone in the bedroom masturbating with any of my toys I still find that I cannot stifle my cries of joy, even though there is only me in the room. It has to be an involuntary reaction to pleasure, much like blinking is. I don’t think about the noises I make and some of them may sound strange, guttural, emotion conveyed through sound.

Expressing my satisfaction and pleasure via sound bytes is part of me. However verbalisation is a different thing altogether. I find this difficult to come natural. The reason being that I become self aware. Too many times have I heard the lines bounce around my head. You know the ones. The cliché lines that allegedly you should come out with at the appropriate moment.

This has all conspired to make me self conscious. I’ve said this before. There are certain lines that I just cannot say, despite the fact that they may be appropriate and indeed add to the experience for me and my partner.

I just feel slightly uncomfortable saying them. This limits my sexual dictionary. I tend to just use the minimum of words like, “fuck me”, “yes”, “harder” and “I’m coming”.

How about you. Do you feel comfortable having dialogue during sex?

Naked Boobs On Bikes

Boobs On BikesIt seems that New Zealand comes to the for where sexuality is concerned. Only the other day I posted about the World Nude Day they held where video submissions were requested of people doing daily things but nude.

Well now I just discovered that they hold an annual event in Christchurch called the Boobs On Bikes Parade as part of the Erotica Expo. The parade as you may have guessed already, involves pornstars both local and international showing us what they are famous for. Oh and did I mention they do all this on the back of a motorbike. Lol

This years parade takes place on 6th March at 12.30pm. If you wish to register go visit the Erotica Expo site.

Sex Under Pressure

AlexSuzeI have in the past been asked about loss of libido by the sexual partners of readers. Over the years I have tried to help and in doing so have accumulated a lot of knowledge about the issues surrounding loss of libido, erectile dysfunction and other conditions and circumstances that affect the sexual and emotional aspects of relationships.

A recent email from a reader prompted me to write the following in response. It was from a woman about her (male) partner’s problems but it seems logical to cover the issues that couples suffer, male or female, because anything which affects a couple affects both halves of it directly and indirectly.

There’s a lot of talk at the moment about sex being the way to survive the recession. It is after all a cheap way to amuse yourselves of an evening and even we at AlexSuze have advocated that couples should indulge themselves in the bedroom if they can’t afford to get out. It keeps you fit and relaxes you. The NHS in the UK is apparently advocating that we should all sexercise ourselves to better health now

But what happens when you can’t sex it all better?

Stress can cause loss of libido in both sexes, cause erectile dysfunction in men and be the cause of secondary vaginismus in women. Sex under these circumstances can be frustrating and ultimately make the problems of stress worse. Even with the most understanding partner a constant inability to maintain an erection on the part of the male or a woman whose vagina is always in spasm will create tension and erode any sort of intimacy a couple has.

Stress is a part of modern daily life, an aspect of our existence that will affect us all in one way or another. It can change our mood, making intimacy more difficult to achieve and creating tensions in relationships that have never before experienced them. If it does start to interfere with your sex life couples can feel that they have lost one of the best and cheapest ways of relieving tension.

The best advice that I can give is to be patient, whichever partner is perceived to have the “problem”.

Take for example vaginismus. Vaginismus with a psychological cause, can be the result of negative sexual experiences. This can be because of a bad relationship or an incident during sex that the woman’s subconscious reacts to whenever she attempts to get intimate with her partner.

If you have a demanding partner who has or still does not seems to be receptive to your needs then this might be a cause of the problem. All women, like men, have a range of sexual appetites. Sometimes they want to be gently loved, other times they might want to take the lead and then there are times where they might simply want to be fucked senseless.

That’s all fine, but your partner should be receptive to the signals that you transmit. If you are in need of gentle love making, being screwed frantically is not going to make you feel better and might make you feel worse.

Similarly, if a woman finds herself with a massive increase in sex drive this can present a problem for the man. Men and women do peak sexually at different points in their life, their age, pregnancy and other factors means that you may not always be in sync. It’s a young guy’s dream to have a woman wanting him every hour of every day, but even at 18 you will not always be able to deliver. As you get older and the recovery time between erection/ejaculation gets longer. Because your woman may find her sexual peak later in life you may find she demands more of you than you can deliver.

What starts off as a simple mismatch of expectancy on her part and supply of sex in the form of a raging hard-on from the guy can easily lead to tension within a relationship. He feels like his virility is in question and threatened because he can’t satisfy her in the way he did previously. She feels unloved and that they are growing apart. This in turn can make the situation worse because pressure like this directly affects erectile function.

Drugs can be one answer, but there are simpler ways you might investigate first and ways that can help you and your partner overcome the problems while simultaneously bringing you together.

I’ll explore some of those techniques tomorrow.

Masturbating With The Rich And Famous

We-vibeI just read an article about the Oscars which took place on Sunday. It is traditional for the event to give away swag bags which sometimes contain items such as jewellery, perfume. Cellphones, plasma TV’s and other flash objects. Wouldn’t you just love to be on the guest list for the gifts alone.

This year one of the giveaways will be the We-Vibe. We tested this adult toy out in June last year, you can read the We-Vibe review here.

Bruce and Melody Murison the creators of the We-Vibe took 200 samples along with them to Hollywood.

I feel kind of smug knowing that I have used the same toy that the rich and famous will trying out for themselves. It’s not often you have something in common with a Hollywood star. 😉

But I don’t think they will be posting up a review about it somehow.

Check out the full article here.

In My Boyfriend’s Car

In my younger years most of my “courting” (as they called it in England) had to take place in the car. It was the only safe retreat for you and your partner to get a little hot under the collar. When parents were around holding hands and a quick kiss was the limit, there was no hanky panky.

If you were fortunate to have fairly liberal minded parents your guy may get to stay overnight. Not in your bedroom though, he was usually relegated to sleeping on the uncomfortable sofa downstairs with a duvet for company.

I had a couple of guys sleep over during my younger years. Trying to get down the stairs to meet up with them in the middle of the night was impossible. Did parent’s tamper with the stair treads to make them squeak? I actually tried to map the safe ones in my head but when I tried to execute my plan “squeak” went the tread. I would then have to retreat in case one of my parents was sleeping with one eye open.

When I became old enough to go out drinking I would often consume a little too much alcohol. I would creep quietly (at least I thought so in my drunken state) up the stairs and climb in to bed. Shortly after lying down it would start. The bed would become a spinning fairground ride, getting faster and faster. Until, you guessed it, I needed to throw up. It’s no fun trying to throw up quietly. Come to think of it, it’s no fun throwing up at all. Trying to creep in to bed afterwards was a nightmare. I swear every floorboard on the upper floor creaked.

So, in order to get a little privacy it was best to take a ride in his car (If your boyfriend could afford to buy one or borrow one) to a secluded spot. More often than not this resulted in a trip in to the countryside. Usually a car park. Some were quite famous for being used as a lover’s retreats.

On one such cold winter evening both me and Mr X drove out to a well know country car park and pulled up at the far end. There were a couple of cars already in parked up with their steamed up windows, we drove past them. This particular evening was so cold that we needed to snuggle under a warm blanket Mr X had been thoughtful enough to bring with him.

We both pushed our seats back as far as they would go and reclined the backs slightly, to make more room for manoeuvre. Things started off quite slowly with him leaning in to kiss me. Then we picked up tempo and started to unbutton each other. Mr X’s cock was a little restricted or at least that’s what he said as he pulled it free from his flies.

I wasn’t going to complain as I leaned over the handbrake to take him in my mouth. Fornicating in that car was so uncomfortable, something was always digging in to you (no I’m not talking about cock). You also had to be very supple to get in to some of the positions required to promote your love life. I’m not sure how I’d fair now.

We slipped out of our lower clothing, me just in a jumper and him in a sweatshirt. I climbed over the handbrake and straggled his legs, kneeling on either side of them. Mr X pulled the blanket around the both of us and we bravely removed our tops. Then we began to kiss deeply. I recall my hard nipples pressing in to his naked chest.

He pushed a couple of fingers inside me to prepare me for his cock. Yes, we didn’t hang around in those days, it was too cold. I reached between my legs and took hold of his erection (he was very ample). I’ve always been lucky like that. 😉

He finger fucked me whilst pushing his tongue deep in to my mouth and I wanked his cock for all it was worth. When he was hard as a rock I raised myself up and turned around. The easiest way to fuck was with me sitting looking out the windscreen, my feet in the footwell and hands on the wheel to aid my “cock bobbing”. He slid inside me and I did my usual slow grind with my pussy. Then I began to bounce down on his groin no longer able to contain my lust. It was a very squeaky car and with each motion the car groaned.

It got quite hot in there and after a while the windows would fully steam up. Which was good from a privacy point of view. Although no doubt the rest of the “lovers” could hear every moan. I continued to bounce up and down on his lap. The car was rocking in time and I was moaning quite loudly as he began to thrust upward giving me even more of his length.

It was at that moment that I thought I heard a tap. Yes, there it was again. Someone was tapping on the driver’s side window. Embarrassment enraptured both of us. What the fuck should we do? We had been caught in the act stark bollock naked, in a countryside car park after midnight. Was this the police? Oh shit?

Mr X wound down his window (yes, he didn’t have the electric windows back then). “Sorry to trouble you. Could you give us a push? We are stuck in some mud”. Came the guy’s voice. Both Mr X and myself let out a loud sigh of relief. I had all sorts of visions going through my mind. It’s amazing what you can cook up in just a few moments. We had been exposed (rather good choice of words I thought) by the local press for having sex in the countryside and my parents had totally disowned me.

We both laughed with relief, Mr X replied, “Just give us a moment and we’ll be over”. That was the last time we ever visited that particular lovers haunt. I don’t know why, the chance of that ever happening again was almost impossible. Wasn’t it?

Chick Flicking

As I guy I am particularly badly qualified to judge chick flicks. That’s not going to stop me commenting on one that’s doing the rounds at the moment.

The “Confessions of a Shopaholic” film looks particularly dire and fills me with revulsion whenever I see the trailer. Would any of you ladies out there fill me in on why you would want to go and watch something like this. Or do you like me feel that it’s demeaning to women and seems (from the trailer) to cast them as dim-witted, shallow and lacking in any motivation that doesn’t revolve around shoes?

Personally if I were a woman I can only imagine being insulted when a film like this, light-hearted as it may be, depicts the female sex as air-headed and vacuous.

I’m not trying to be a trendy feminist guy here, it simply amazes me that this might get any box office at all. I thought society was past using clumsy stereotypes as a lazy base for humour.

I may as well say that all girls from Essex are easy lays or all guys from Manchester act like Liam Gallagher.

Ok rant over.

Office Sex Can Get you Into Trouble

I just read a news item which reported 30 employees of BT (British Telecom) have been suspended for telling a Joke about the Irish that one other member of staff regarded as racist. The union and the suspended staff are saying it was light-hearted and wasn’t racist, just a bit of fun. They also claim the management are taking advantage of the situation to shed staff and avoid a lengthy and potentially costly redundancy process.

It does however highlight that it’s all too easy to email in haste and repent at leisure. In this case potentially the leisure of being at home, unemployed.

Email creates a trail especially in the UK where firms are required to keep records of the electronic communications of their employees for legal reasons. It’s so easy to get into trouble. Imagine sending a saucy message to a friend who then falls out with you and uses it as a means to get revenge. Or even doing the classic send to all when you meant to send to just one person or a small group.

The best advice is to keep any naughty conduct away from email, and for that matter away from Dictaphones, mobiles with recording facility etc, etc. In fact come to think of it the office is such a mine field that the opportunities for the occasional naughty comment are diminishing fast. At least if you don’t want to lose your job.

Dirty Talk And A Good Fucking

Alex and I quite frequently use porn as a jumping off point to sex. Lol When we have had a hard day at the office and we just want to lay back and watch someone else do the work it’s good to be the voyeur.

My favourite scenes are usually the ones involving MFM action. I have said this before but it’s my all time fantasy to be taken from both ends by two men. It just occurred to me as I write this that I would also love the idea of being taken by two females equally as much. 😉

Last night was different I had some audio erotica to review for my up and coming feature over at A-Rouse. They have submitted two erotic stories for me to listen to. So, last night when we were writing away at our screens I decided to load up one of the stories and take a quick listen.

This sound blast turned in to a full half hours story and by the time it had finished I was more than ready to get naughty. As the final words were sinking in to my overly aroused brain I turned to give Alex the look he knows so well. “The I want you” stare.

“They worked then”, he said with a wry smile playing upon his lips and he followed me in to the bedroom.

After a long deep kiss we got straight down to it. I opened my legs and he entered me taking my legs over his arms. After a few deep and hard strokes he said “Get on to your knees”.

I complied and assumed the doggy position. He entered me once again and as he pushed his way inside me my g-spot started to pulse. Within minutes of him beating against my buttocks I was reaching my first orgasm.

He continued to pound in to me and I could feel another orgasm grip me. Still he kept thrusting. I became aware that my thighs were wet through as I adjusted my position and moved my knees back together again.

I felt dampness beneath my right kneecap. I had wet the bedsheet with my own juices, I was soaked. “I’ve wet the bed again”, I panted to Alex. That must have tipped him over the edge, he took his last swing in to me and juddered as he shot his load inside me. Moments later he collapsed over my back in post orgasmic pleasure.

So guys next time you want a really good fuck, talk dirty to your girl first it worked for me. 😉

Lets Get Naked

Browsing around the Internet led me to discover that it was World Get Nude Day on 6th February. It looks like the concept was originally just for inhabitants of New Zealand but has been extended out to the world.

The idea behind this special day is that you do your everyday activities but naked. They are asking for video submissions and for the winner a prize of $10,000.

Now I was looking and there are hardly any submissions from the UK, just 3 at the time of writing this post and from the US only 10.

I know what you are thinking, the date has already gone. That’s true but the video submissions is open until the 31/03/09. And if you don’t tell them that you only made the video today I won’t. Lol

What have you got to loose. Just one thing they do say that you should be nude but not lude.

Pop over here now and make your submission, they are already featuring several videos to give you an idea of what they are looking for http://www.worldnudeday.com.

Alex And Suze Went Swinging

How many people can hold their hands up to the following question “Did you go to a swinging club today!”, well we both can. This week got the date right and visited the swingers open day event at a club. If you read here regularly you will know that Alex got the date wrong last weekend and we turned up for nothing. Lol

So, at least this weekend we knew exactly where we were going and on the right day.

I must admit to being cautious that nobody I knew saw me entering the club. Paranoid, yes, but we once went to Portugal and met someone in a bar in the back of beyond who it turned out lived only a few streets away from us. We pulled the car up down the side of the building and only had to walk around the corner to enter the stone fronted Victorian looking building. I believe it was an ex pub.

We were greeted at the door by a bouncer, good to see that there is security in operation just in case. The room was seductively lit, it was the main bar area, the socialising part of the club. As soon as we stepped through the door we were given a warm greeting by the members of staff and the clubs proprietor.

I think the only people around at the time were the staff but it was before 12pm. One of the guys gave us a brochure and offered to guide us around the clubs facilities which I have to admit were extensive and would cover anyone’s particular kink or desire. The ground floor has a few surprises for the swinger.

We were then taken downstairs to the dungeon part of the club. This is where fetish nights are held and overseen by Frank the resident Dom. It was very atmospheric.

Once back up on the ground floor we climbed the stairs to the place where all the action takes place. There are a myriad of playrooms, cubby holes with just enough room for two and private rooms. The place is like a labyrinth with each new room offering something different. It was warm up there too with my coat on. So you no need worry about getting a chill whilst wondering around semi naked or wrapped in your towel.

After the tour we went back down to the bar area to chat with various members of staff. I must admit to being slightly distracted too. There was a good looking brunette sat right in my field of vision.

And hey, they have Bi Nights too! 😉

We will bring you more on our trip over the coming days so keep popping over to check out what we are up to.

Great Fucks For A Few Bucks

Good Sex Doesn’t Have To Cost The Earth

I just finished reading an article which enraged me on several levels. Firstly it was promoting what it sees as exclusive adult toy outlets and secondly it was more or less poo pooing anything which didn’t fit the designer category or came gold plated.

The sex toy market place is filled with all price ranges of toys. Yes you can pay thousands of dollars for an upmarket vibrator but when you peel back the layers it is still just a bullet and no matter how many layers of gold you coat it in, it is still a bullet.

We all know that there are cheap, smelly and possibly toxic toys out there but you can still but a totally practical and stimulating toy that falls somewhere in between.

I found the article dwelled too much on the expensive and overpriced side of the market. Almost to the point of toy snobbery. In these times of recession when we are watching our pennies it is irresponsible and fallacy to put these ideas around.

There are many pthalate free toys on the market and they aren’t all crude with veins and threatening to men. These people ought to get out and about more. Medical grade silicone is widely used and is very user friendly.

I’m surprised at the Times for allowing this article through for publication. It doesn’t really inform and owes I would suggest more to the free samples that were provided by certain manufacturers than research into the market as a whole.

Every one of the brands mentioned produces a good range of quality toys, but there are other producers out there with toys at lower prices. There are sex toys for every budget and if you want to read more about them then you might be better off reading sex toy reviews like those you’ll find at Sex Toys Buzz, rather than one article about one segment of the market.

Dark Amy – Part 2 of 2

Amy slipped her arms around Anthony’s waist underneath his coat. With one hand resting hard against her shoulders and the other in the small of her back he pulled her hard against his own body, her stomach pressed against his hardening crotch.

She seemed an inexperienced kisser, his invading tongue almost a surprise to her as it pushed its way over the battlement of her teeth. He found her a quick learner too, repulsing his onslaught with almost equal force. Teacher and pupil engaged in the lesson of deep kissing for a while, the world around them was calm and bid them not to hurry. Amy’s enthusiasm grew, indeed it was Anthony who eventually pulled away, the kiss leaving them both breathless.

They were invigorated, eyes alive, sparkling. Anthony’s heart beat loud in his chest. To know a woman wanted him was exciting enough but she was, well, something else. She seemed to have an innocence he had never encountered before, coupled with an intensity of feeling that he felt in his mind rather than perceived with his five senses.

Anthony looked around them, his hands still on Amy’s waist. They were on one side of a wide valley, fields filled the valley bottom within which nestled a small town. They stood in a clearing between the gorse that grew on the steeper slopes, shielded from the sight of all but the occasional bird that flew overhead. The ground was covered in soft grass, punctuated with small outcrops of rock.

He lay Amy on her back on the soft grass, propped up on one arm the other around her. He leant in to kiss her, his hand automatically straying to her breasts, feeling her hard nipples under her, her what would you call it? cotton blousy thing? He realise something was wrong, he did not belong to her. Then the moment passed as she arched her back pressing her soft mound into his palm. His hand strayed inside, touching her flesh finding a nipple and rolling it around the areola.

His hand strayed downward and into her bloomers, his middle finger delved into her thick bush of hair, hot and humid. He found her wet folds and slowly traversed the length of her pussy before returning to her clitoris. Anthony toyed with her for a moment, stroking her swollen clit, savouring the power he had over her as she bucked and writhed.

Then he drew his glistening finger to his mouth, tasting her essence. She looked shocked for a moment then, with his finger still in his mouth she kissed him, tongue demanding a share of the fragrant delicacy.

His breeches were bursting, and feeling her hands unfastening the buttons of his flies was almost a relief. She reached inside to coax out his stiff cock and its two companions, drawn up tight beneath it. She held it, exploring its soft skin, obviously excited by its hardness. her fingers drew back his foreskin, exposing his glans. Clear pre-cum oozed out. Anthony lifted a drop with his finger and placed it on her lips. Taken with this new tase she slid down and licked him, cleaning him of the clear nectar, eventually probing the tip with her tongue.

She rolled on to her back and removed her bloomers. Anthony rolled on top of her and pressed his cock against her pussy, rubbing it along the length of her lips, balls nestling into her moist curly nest. They watched each other intently, studying each reaction to every movement. While she enjoyed the touch of him against her labia, her true desire was written in her eyes. He wanted it too and so slowly drew back before resting himself at the smouldering entrance to her sex.

He pushed forward, every millimetre forming a deeper union between them. They held each other tight, Anthony having to rotate his hips to thrust into her. She began to moan, soft and joyous at first but soon louder and more insistent. Her hand reached behind Anthony’s neck and pulled him to her lips, her kiss open-mouthed and frantic. Anthony felt her hips rising to meet him, her heels digging into the turf allowing her to push her pelvis hard toward him.

She broke their kiss and began to shriek, Anthony’s final thrusts let loose what seemed like a river of cum, rippling along his cock inside her pulsing sex. “Amy …” was all he could say in one long quiet breath to the smiling angel below him.

He lay on top of her feeling himself soften inside, but not wanting to withdraw from her tender comforting embrace.

“AMY! AMMEEEYYY!” A man’s voice pierced their post-coital bubble.

“Father!” Amy exclaimed, her face terrified.

“Huh!”

“Quickly, hide.” She urged him, gathering her dress and attempting to pull it on.

It was too late. A tall man built like an ox strode out of the surrounding gorse, a look of fiery malice on his face. “Slut!” he spat the word at Amy, then turned to Anthony who was attempting to button his breeches. Amy’s father raised his hand to strike Anthony, but as the blow fell Amy appeared between them. The huge hand struck Amy across her face, throwing her to the ground. She collapsed like a rag doll, head landing with a sickening dull thud on an exposed rock.

Both men stood looking down at Amy’s motionless form as blood began to flow from one of her perfect ears.

Anthony opened his mouth to shout “No!”, but at that moment the world seemed wreathed in a grey fog. The fog thickened and he seemed to be drawn away from Amy and her father. Soon they disappeared into the mist and an inky darkness took Anthony.

~~~

The cry echoed through the undercroft, breaking the “trance” that the show’s psychic had just slipped into. The female presenter stopped mid-gush and, for the first time in the show’s history, looked genuinely frightened. This wasn’t a hammed-up scream, it was full of desperation and fear.

When they reached the chamber where Anthony lay the cast and crew stood for a moment in silent shock. One of the celebs started sobbing uncontrollably.

“Oh fuck, I think he’s dead!” Observed the psychic, then earned himself the prize for the day’s dumbest question. “Do you think we ought to call the police?”

“You think?” Mocked the presenter and began to make a mental list of newspapers who would pay for this story when the inquest was over.

~~~

Anthony slowly regained consciousness. He felt cold at first, bloody cold, then a strange sort of warmth filled him, and as it did the darkness gave warm to a dim glow. It strengthened second by second until he could make out a figure. It was Amy. She held out a hand, “Come with me Anthony.”

“After what happened last time?”

“This time it will be just us.” she took his hand. “Forever.”

Dark Amy – Part 1 of 2

“What do you mean makeup? It’s going to be fucking dark!”

“You’ll have to do your piece to camera before you go in to the dungeons Mr Reed…”

“Dungeons! Blood damp cellar under a condemned chicken packing factory you mean.” Reed scoffed at the trembling 18 year old makeup girl.

Grudgingly Anthony Reed harrumphed his way to the chair and flopped into it. Relieved that he had complied, the make up girl, Hannah, hastily prepared the aging star for his appearance on “Celebrity Ghost Catchers”.

~~~

Four D-List celebrities stood in a circle with the show’s two presenters. The red brick arches above them dripping with moisture seeping from the derelict factory above. Or medieval castle, whichever you chose to believe. One an over-fake-tanned man with bouffant white hair and a theatrical looking coat, the other a thirty-something ex-Children’s-TV presenter, renowned for her screaming.

“Please, everyone, all join hands.” Instructed the tangerine coloured medium.

They did, Anthony gritting his teeth and remembering what his agent had told him … “Look Tony, there is no eight series of “Extreme Pub Quiz” for you to present. The format’s dead. Take the money from the frigging production company and be thankful you’re not doing panto with Jim Davidson.”

The lights were turned off and the squeaky presenter started her usual monologue of “Oooh there’s a strange feeling about this place … what was that noise! … there’s a definite chill …”. Anthony fought back a chuckle, submerging it under the comforting weight of the cheque from “Frantic Productions”.

After several minutes of mounting, well what the show’s producers would have liked to think of as tension but Anthony decide was the same stuff as mounts up in the corner of a stable, the psychic suddenly threw back his head with a jerk. From his mouth came a contorted high pitch falsetto voice “Ooooooo, please sir don’t leave me alone down here I only took that apple cos I was starvin’ for sure.”

Anthony covered his laugh with a cough, why were the ghosts always bloody cockney, they were in Stoke for goodness sake. “Sorry.” He explained “I have a tickle in my throat.”

“That’ll be one of the spirits trying to communicate through your voice.” Said the one of the other celebs earnestly. Anthony seemed to recognise as a former news anchor who’d been photographed doing a Sharon Stone, getting out of a limo at a film premier with a short skirt on. Sad cow.

The show presenter then decided that they should all take their guttering candle and the mini-cam they had been given and sit in a different section of the labyrinthine undercroft on ghost watch.

Anthony elected to make his way deep into the cellar, out of earshot of the rest of the guests and crew. He sat in an alcove in a room at the end of the deepest corridor and placed the still rolling camera on the floor facing the wall. Time for a recreational ciggy he thought.

Halfway down the reefer he started to feel quite at home. Each time he drew on the roach-end of the spliff it illuminated the vaulted ceiling of the room with a comforting orange glow. He held the smoke deep in his chest for a moment.

A dark shape appeared in the doorless entrance to the chamber. “Don’t worry darlin’ I’ll put on a bit of a show for the cameras in a bit when I’m mellowed out.” He added, “Just tell em the smoke’s ectoplasm.” He began to giggle.

“Cat got your tongue?” he asked the shape.

As he drew on his exotic cigarette the shape moved forward, resolving itself into a figure. She was dark haired, shorter than the presenter and pale skinned. He thought he recognised her but couldn’t quite place her.

“Oh, I see. Surprise guest eh? Well the show’s getting a bit tired so I suppose they have to throw something in other than objects floating across the room on black cotton.

“I’m Amy. Who are you?”

Deciding to skip the indignant “What do you mean? Don’t you recognise me?” speech he replied “Anthony. Nice costume by the way, they splashed out on that didn’t they? Not the usual moth-eaten props … ” His voice trailed off, she was looking at him in a way that sent a chill down his spine. It was a sort of good-bad chill. It disturbed him, but the intensity of her stare was quite captivating, almost a come-on. She must be ten years his junior, but what the heck!

As he was about to unleash the famed Reed charm assault a piece of cannabis resin dropped out of the roll-up and burned its way through his shirt, searing the skin just above his navel.

“Fuck, fuck, shit!” He threw his spliff to one side, it sizzled and was extinguished by one of the shallow pools of muddy water on the beaten earth floor. Anthony rubbed his now very sore stomach, “Another shirt ruined …”

“Are you hurt? Let me see” Amy moved toward him her hand slipped inside his shirt. Her fingers were cold, ice cold. Their eyes met and for a moment he could see the veins beneath her skin, skin like rice paper dissolving in a waterfall of light. First the veins and arteries pulsed with blood, then black tar oozed from their rupturing, rotting walls. Flesh fell from her bones and her sensuous dark brown eyes melted down her cheeks leaving only pitch black holes.

He closed his eyes, threw his head back and opened his mouth to scream, but the darkness swallowed the sound. He shut his eyes and waited for, well he didn’t know what.

Moments passed, a warm summer sun warmed his upturned face. He became aware of birds singing and the sound of leaves rustling in a gentle breeze. Anthony slowly opened his eyes and lowered his head to find himself gazing at Amy. Her skin was warm and full of life, cheeks flushed, unlike the pale white phantom in the undercroft. Her eyes were the same, dark and soothing, the eyes don’t lie.

She stepped back, away from him. Amy turned and asked, “Unfasten my bodice.” He did, uncomprehending, slowly unlacing the garment. What was he doing? Where was he? When was he?. She slipped out of the light blue gown and turned to face him dressed , rather immodestly in her cotton undergarments, bosom heaving, eyes wanting him.

He reached out and took her in his arms. Their lips met and all his questions were forgotten

To be continued …

Girls In Sexy Undies

Alex SuzeStraight men like women in sexy underwear, but what qualifies underwear as sexy. What types of underwear are sexy and why is the whole idea of underwear such a turn-on.

As I see it underwear is sexy because it’s the last thing you get your hands on before the pure, unadorned and unadulterated flesh beneath. It emphasises a woman’s femininity and augments her already beautiful form. The English comedian Ben Elton once questioned this point of view by pointing out that at it’s most basic underwear function is to stop you skidding your trousers. However he was at his most PC at that point in his career and anyone who morphs ina few years from anarchist/Marxist to bowing and simpering for the Queen isn’t someone you should take as an earnest and reliable source of insight.

In literal terms Ben Elton is right, but in all other ways he cannot be more wrong. All female underwear, except for the most frumpy, shapeless and unflattering produces in most men an immediate reaction. It’s an association with sex, exploration and fun. Even “big pants” can objects of desire since Brigit Jones’ Diary.

The fact that “big Pants” don’t have to be a turn-off underlines that everyone has their own idea of sexy in underwear terms as they do in all other areas.

I have a thing for smooth cotton bras. I love them because their simplicity allows the wearer to show off their breasts, covered but with their shape displayed in all its glory. Yet I like more complex bra designs, be they frilly, brightly coloured or enhancing, and all for different reasons.

Colour can trip certain memories and feeling. A certain encounter with a girl, a picture in a movie or a book, whatever it is the sight of a particular colour underwear may set off a whole train of thought, a fantasy or a memory of a memorable liaison.

On the whole I don’t like intricate designs. Our house is minimalist in décor, we don’t dress ostentatiously, but sometimes Suze wears underwear with the most exquisite detailing, lacy, or embroidered and this too is a turn-on. Yes I like the simple underwear, but showy, theatrical designs too. Yes it can depend on my mood, but the type of underwear I find when I undress Suze can dictate the mood too.

In signalling Suze’s state of mind through the style of her underwear she can consciously or subconsciously modify my mood and thus change the way we make love.

How about you guys? What sort of underwear does it for you?

Dirty Nurse Does It For Me

CHrisse Williams, Tina HobleyI haven’t watched the BBC1 drama Holby City for years now. The last time I watched it nurse Duffy had returned to earn some extra cash after retiring from the programme for some years.

Back then it used to be quite a gritty, relatively low budget hospital drama and because of that it had some integrity and believable story lines. It was the show that most actors wanted to do a cameo on and it saw the return of many an old face.

Some years later it has now metamorphosised in to something which resembles a Hollywood production and the cast are quite tasty too.

In particular one nurse caught my eye when I saw the trailer for the programme the other evening. That is ward sister Chrissie Williams, played by Tina Hobley, she’s there at the top of this post. She is gorgeous!

I looked her up on the Internet and she has her own site here go and check her out, there are some really nice images of her there.

In the meantime you can take a look at how well she scrubs up here I may have to start watching again. 😉

Telephone Sex Sessions

I hold my hands up and admit that I have enjoyed online cyber sex sessions with some of the readers of this site in the past. They can be extremely intense if you get the right person keying in on the other end. After all good sex is also a product of the mind, stimulating your largest organ can lead to some great sex.

Despite being unable to see what each other is doing the mere reading of their actions and interaction with you can be a huge turn on. I have sat on this seat with no panties on keying in some of my dirtiest fantasies and executed others. 😉

To read those words, although sometimes misspelled “I just came on my keyboard” is most gratifying. It may be a power thing but I’m sure everyone likes to know they have the ability to bring someone to orgasm and if it can be done without them even being in the same room as you…say no more!

I’ve also indulged in my fair share of dirty telephone conversations. Those started way back when I was in my teens. I knew back then the power I could have over men. Boyfriends would call me up when my parents were out and run up some quite hefty bills.

One thing I haven’t done is call up chatlines or sex lines myself. I think it is because I prefer to know that the person I am talking to is doing this because he wants to and has an interest in me not the fee he will get for talking to me.

The reason I wrote on this topic was the story I just read about a poor woman receiving a huge bill for online chat that never took place.

Nebraska woman, 86, gets $1,000 phone sex bill

BELLEVUE, Neb. (AP) — The family of an 86-year-old woman who was billed for over $1,000 in phone sex calls suspects identify theft. Arlene Hald recently received a credit card bill addressed to her husband, Sylvester, who died nearly 20 years ago. Hald said they never had a credit card, yet an account in his name was charged.

Hald’s daughter, Peggy Rytych, believes her father was the victim of ID theft. She called the billing company, Preferred Platinum Plan, which agreed to remove the charges.

Rytych says they thought that was the end of it – until another bill arrived for over $70. The California-based company agreed to remove the latest charges and never bill Hald again.

I’m glad she managed to get this sorted out and I hope they catch the bastards that did this to her.

Sticky Vicky And The Beer Bottle Trick

Sticky Vicky

We decided to  spoil ourselves by going out for a pub lunch to our favourite countryside haunt. I wish it was closer to home but I suppose that would make us visit more often and we simply couldn’t afford to.

It’s a typical moorland pub, old fashioned, atmospheric, frequented by the locals and best of all not part of one of those dreadful chains of theme pubs. Alex and I sit in there and time just stops for a while, it’s therapeutic.

We took the corner table and to one side there was a group of four old ladies on a day out and across the other way there were two couples. Alex and I sat opposite each other.

I caught a glimpse of one of the girls in the foursome to the side of us. She had the most humungous pair of boobs, just like to melons secreted under a low cut white t-shirt. My mouth must have dropped slightly as I homed in on them. There is no doubt in my mind, I certainly am a boob girl. 😉

She wasn’t a looker but and I never thought I would say this…you could forget about that as you got lost in her fleshy mounds. Being ever so careful not to arouse suspicion I gestured with my eyes for Alex to give her a glance. A quick turn of his head to scan her and then return his amazed gaze back to me.

I can dream can’t I.

I was shaken from my predation by the sound of the oldest lady sat to the other side of us saying “And I saw Sticky Vicky when we were in Benidorm”.

At that point the silence was broken as I started to giggle, then he joined in and within moments we were trying to hold back the laughter. I didn’t dare look to see if she realised that we had just overheard her naughty confession. I found out later from Alex that she also said “She had no clothes on…I thought I was seeing things at first”.

I’ve heard of Sticky Vicky but wasn’t sure exactly what all the fuss was about, I knew that she was an adult entertainer of some sorts. So when we got back home I decided to Google her and see what she got up to.

Within minutes I had found several clips of parts of her act on YouTube. I read somewhere that she is now in her 60’s and still performing. It’s quite impressive, anyone who can remove bottle tops with there pussy has my vote. I also found out that her daughter is now following in her footsteps and taking part in the act.

Nothing quite like passing on your knowledge to your offspring. Lol

Porn Star School

It occurs to me that if there are schools for actors, then why can’t there be schools for adult actors.

Although the skill sets are different, adult performers ought to be given direction and training just as much as their counterparts in conventional theatre and film.

It’s quite breathtaking to observe the range of skill that pornographic performers display. A minority are very gratifying to watch, whereas others range from the poor to embarrassingly awful.

Part of the problem is of course that the skills involved in pornography are very different to those in normal acting. But there are plenty of ex-porn stars who I am sure would be able to tutor the young blood.

There’s the second problem; Porn requires a constant supply of new talent, you don’t see that many older porn stars, especially older female porn stars. Their working life is relatively short. While they cam extend the length of their careers by changing genre and a bit of appropriate surgery there is a point where it’s impractical to continue in adult.

So it would be a careful balance between the need to create lots of new, trained performers with relatively short careers and ensuring that they actually knew what they were doing. There are very few equivalents of playing Lear in the twilight of your porn years.

Personally I would set one up just so I could get involved in the practical workshops … LOL

Extreme Perversions

AlexSuzeI was browsing a site last night, one that I’ve not visited for months, maybe years. The site name is unimportant, suffice to say that it showed promise when it was first created, but seems to have descended into a directionless muddle of unfocussed stories and articles. It can’t make its mind up if it’s a collection of stories, reviews or sex toy reviews.

We have tried to avoid the same problem by splitting off our reviews to here and our articles to here. Leaving our blog in its original location. AlexSuze is still the centre of our online presence, but each new addition now has its own online area.

When you have lots of ideas floating around inside your head it is a constant battle to ensure that you translate those often convoluted thought processes into something readable. Add to that the fact that there are two of us and multiply that by our interest in all areas of sexuality and you potentially have a monster in the making. I think we’re doing a reasonable job of keeping it on the rails.

Anyway, back to this other site. They seem to be struggling for ideas. They have never been a blog, but then again I can’t actually say what they have actually been. Now they appear to have run out of inspiration to such an extent that their “Resources” links section includes a link that we would never even consider entertaining; Zoo Fetish / Zoophilia.

Why the link exists on the site is beyond me. Who in their right mind would encourage that particular perversion? Or feel that it warranted inclusion on their site. Maybe they are deluded into thinking it’s “sex positive”. Well there’s being accepting of people’s sexuality and there’s accepting utter depravity without question.

I pride myself on my belief in freedom of expression in all things, but that crosses the line. I found myself just pulling a face in disbelief and disgust. Am I being a prude, closed-minded or naïve? Is this now a normal sexual preference? You’d have to come up with a pretty good argument to convince me of that.

Anyone considering sex with animals might want to read this. It makes grim reading.

On the other hand I wouldn’t recommend you read the zoophilia entry on Wikipedia as it’s littered with annotations indicating a large lack of citations. The article’s propensity towards the citation of figures indicating large sections of the human population want to, have or are still having sexual relations with animals also leads me to question its accuracy and impartiality.