Monthly Archives: April 2009

Porn Photos You Don’t Hide From Your Girlfriend

Red PVC FetishThings are getting increasingly surreal around here at the moment. The more I think about it the more I realise how far from most people’s reality we actually are.

Strangely bringing home the copy of the lads mag was greeted by “Is it any good then?” from Suze, rather than the “You filthy bastard, aren’t I good enough for you!” that many women might be expected to exclaim. Then was my first project this evening – write a quick application to automatically resize some images we received to make them more easily manageable.

As you can imagine the images are not landscapes, but acres of bare flesh.

Like I said, surreal.

And it’s amazing the way we’ve slipped into this way of living. We’ve made conscious decision about the sort of stuff we get up to in the adult world, yes, but we didn’t set out to be surrounded by sex toys, containers full of lube and adult DVDs.

Life, as they say, is something that happens while you’re trying to do other stuff. Though quite frankly it’s not working out too badly at the moment.

Dirty Books And Funny Looks

Jennifer EllisonI was doing a bit of research today, no really it was research. I decided to get a copy of one of the lads mags to see what sort of thing your average male was reading in the print media these days.

Well, you should have seen the look I got from the woman in the supermarket. You’d have thought I’d bought “donkey buggerers monthly”. It’s only a laddish, softcore tits and arse mag I thought.

So I suspect I’ll be getting funny looks from now on when I buy my groceries.

You can imagine her thoughts … “Filthy man” … if only she knew. ROFLMAO

Getting Her Wet And Keeping Her Going

Wet T Shirt In ShowerLaying in bed, gasping for a drink after a hot hard sex session (that was quite alliterative I out to write headlines for the red tops) it occurred to me to see if you could buy drinks that were specifically formulated to help you in the bedroom.

My initial thoughts were for beverages that would re-hydrate, that being the though on my mind as I lay there perspiring slightly and feeling like my mouth had been dried with a blowtorch. Off I trotted to the font of all knowledge, Google, and first of all stumbled across a few news stories from 2007 about a drink called “Turn On”. Apparently the drink was already banned in many countries by the date of the articles. It contained a mixture of all the usual herbs and wotnot usually associated with sexual performance, plus caffeine.

The problem with this as with some other (non-sexual) herbal remedies is that they contain a mixture of ingredients, many of which have not been tested individually, let alone in combination. Some of the herbs used in remedies can be quite strong and have the potential to cause side effects in people with specific medical conditions. I’m not taking a pop at herbal medicine here, but buying something that falls between the cracks when it comes to testing because you think it will boost your sexual performance is ill-advised.

Searching for drinks that re-hydrate you after sex came up a bit of a blank though. The nearest I got was this which isn’t quite what I was after. I was hoping for something that would promise to replace lost salts and minerals expended and depleted during a good hard shag.

So sadly I’ll have to stick to stick with good old fashioned water, or one of those nice expensive athlete’s drinks.

Erotic Piercing

Corset PiercingI am not a fan of piercings, in fact too many is a real turn-off for me.

So why is it that I’m becoming increasingly drawn to images of certain piercings. Specifically corset piercings. I know that part of the answer is that I like all things that lace-up particularly women’s clothing. But I think it’s the unusualness of this kind of body modification and its links with BDSM that are attracting me more a the moment.

I like things that are provocative and make you want to wince, yet draw your eye at the same time. Doesn’t everyone?

So to see skin laced together like this and know the tension it places the wearer’s tissues under and the procedure they have to undergo to achieve it … it’s both Ow! And Wow!

I’m definitely getting kinkier with age.

Wanking For Money

MasturbationI don’t know about you lot out there but I like to have a little frig every now and then between shags. 😉 In fact I sometimes have a little fiddle at lunchtime, it helps my day go quicker.

And when I was out of work for a while I went on webcam so Alex could watch exactly what I got up to during the day. In short I like not only to participate but being watched too, it makes me horny just thinking about it.

So how about if you could have a wank and get paid for it. Get someone to sponsor you and take part in the annual Masturbate-A-Thon which takes place this “coming” Saturday. If you haven’t heard about this already check this out and become part of the “Uprising”.

Why not turn a daily pastime in to a fundraiser. 🙂 Sorry about the puns, I couldn’t resist.

The Little Things That Say “Fuck Me”

PornographyMy first experience of porn was a tattered shred of an old Fiesta, or Knave magazine found in the fields behind my primary school. I assume it had been stashed there by the older kids as a full magazine and never retrieved for one reason or another. The faded colour picture of a hairy muffed naked woman was the most erotic thing I’d seen up until that point. My second experience of porn was finding my father’s porn collection in our loft when I went up there to build our immense model railway. Far higher quality, Penthouse and Mayfair don’t you know. Oh, and a copy of Razzle in the bottom of the box, LOL.

Leafing through those mags taught me more about the female anatomy than any school sex-ed lesson. It also introduced me to the tingling sensation that would eventually lead to regular erections and then to masturbation. Because of the era in which those magazines were photographed a few stylistic points stuck which I’ve realised formed a significant part of what I find sexually arousing when I see a woman in a sexual context.

The early/mid eighties date of the publications means I have a thing for curly hair, late summer afternoon sunlight, the occasional leg warmer and ankle/waist jewellery. Yes, high heels, stockings and suspenders too but all men love them, don’t they? Yes there are certain little details that are guaranteed to get me going and they are, on the whole, a direct consequence of the images that accompanied my first excited fumblings. Bring that forward to today, apply it to a kid of the same age taking their first steps into sexual arousal and I get a bit worried.

No longer is it necessary to dig around in the back of wardrobes for visual stimulation or buy a tattered copy of a magazine, complete with dubious stains, from an older schoolmate. The Internet provides anything and everything. Of course much of it is quite unrealistic. That’s fine if you have the life experience to know that most girls don’t do anal on a first date with two guys they’ve only just met and don’t have huge boobs and no body fat. But if you’ve never seen a girl naked, let alone explored her body, you could be forgiven for thinking that the insertion of a huge butt plug in her ass was the perfect start to foreplay.

It makes it all the more important that we ensure we teach our kids about sex in the context of relationships and wider social interaction. They need to understand that sex has to involve restraint, empathy and understanding. Not talking about sex to kids or telling them that they shouldn’t have sex until they are married in a society where marriage has become the exception rather than the rule is naïve at best, cynical at worst and will only lead to more dysfunctional realationships.

Pornstars On Your Facebook

Kinky black bootsWho would you accept onto your Facebook? Bearing in mind what happened to the silly Swiss woman who used Facebook while apparently “having a migraine” recently it’s a fair bet that your employer might be reading it. Ending up unemployed through poking someone is something normally reserved for politicians.

What would your employer think if they saw a hardcore porn star as a friend of yours on Facebook, or any other social network account you have?

I suppose it depends on the attitude they might take to the site. That is, is it really a problem if you socialise with people whose profession might not be compatible with your professional life? The answer is governed very much by where you employer draws the line because there are no real legal guidelines directly related to this issues – like much of our conduct online it’s discretionary.

If you were to be sacked for the company you keep online would that be unfair dismissal? After all if you were to know them in the real world and drink with an adult performer down the pub would that be grounds for dismissal too or would they argue that the implicitly public nature of Internet social networking sites means that the relationships you have online are potentially more damaging to work relationships?

In that case do they want to read your emails next?

While I can see the logic behind the Swiss woman throwing a sicky and getting the push (I hope she wasn’t dismissed for the one offence though) there has to be some limit to what your employer can and can’t take you to task for when it comes to your virtual life.

He Wants To Get Inside My Panties

Jimmy Choo ShoesApart from the chat I had with my old mates Horny and Busty the other day I have to say that work is becoming tedious and stressing me out. I often wonder why I put up with so much shit for such a shit salary. Oh, I know…I have to pay the bills and at the moment that means having a day job as well as working at home in the evening on content for the sites.

Last weeks holiday and the removal of the stress of work made me realise there is more to life than being a slave for someone else. I’m waiting for the day when I can just do this full time and not have to work for some arsehole who believes they are now doing you a favour by employing because of the recession.

OK rant over!

When I asked if I had been missed last week there were sniggers from Tomboy and Gobshite as they both said “someone missed you last week.” In a rather furtive manner.

“And who may that be?”, I enquired innocently.

Giggling they both replied the techie guy from the next office had missed me and that he hadn’t been able to come in and chat me up. In case you didn’t read my post relating to him a few weeks ago here is a visual for you. He looks just like Shrek but isn’t green of course.

“Very funny” I replied…”he’s a married man now”.

“That makes no difference,” Gobshite added.

I didn’t want to qualify their comments but he has been hanging around my desk quite a lot since I got back. He has this nervous tick when he speaks to you of slapping his hand against his outer thigh repeatedly which becomes really annoying after a while.

Oh no, I just had a thought. Maybe all these kinky things he has told me about his ex boss may relate to him. Perhaps he likes a bit of a spanking. 😉 Err, I don’t even want to think about it.

Glove Lovers

Sexy GlovesEvery industry is suffering at the moment and if your industry has been in decline for a while the recession is a source of even more pain. One such industry is glove making. I’m not talking about mass-produced gloves here, but the very specialist, fitted and finely crafted gloves that have always been the province of the well-heeled.

Gloves are an item of clothing that transcends the utilitarian and into the decorative and sensual. Hence their erotic overtones and for some the passion that they inspire in the form of a philia or fetish.

I think that’s justification enough for the government to give out grants to all glove fetishists, who by their purchasing of gloves and glove related, erm services, would help keep thousands of skilled artisans in work. Don’t you?


Driving It Home, Hard

SuzeI think there ought to be a new standard for measuring the size of hard disk drives.


Well we bought a couple of huge disks last week to ensure we had enough space to back up all the files we have for all the sites. On the box it says “holds up to xxxx thousand audio tracks”. Fat lot of use that is to me. I hardly hold any music on my disk, it’s mainly html, php and JavaScript, data backups and lots of naughty pictures.

So I suggest that we need a new measure as Megabyte, Gigabyte and Terabyte the Pornabyte. Just how could it be related to the contents of the disk. Would one Pornabyte equal, one high res image? Or maybe one minute of hardcore video.

Any suggestions.

BTW this did occur to me on the way home with the two one terabyte drives in the boot, it just resurfaced now as I noticed Suze looking at some images of some very naughty girls.

Cuckolding Your Wife

OhMy chat with the girls albeit short was certainly entertaining. The things they have done quite innocently are hilarious.

Horny started to tell me about a guy that she met in a bar. She said she was attracted to him and wouldn’t have said no. But when he drove her home she became a little suspicious of his intentions. He was allegedly the perfect gentleman all evening and she was for want of a better phrase, swept off her feet.

She is also pretty trusting and a little gullible sometimes. Lol

He started to tell her about a friend whose girlfriend had a naughty side to her. She liked to have her hands bound together and blindfolded sitting on a chair in their cellar. I was all ears and intrigued as to where this was going next.

She described them as living in an affluent area of the nearby city. I was getting the words “wife swapping”. No, it got better than that. 😉 She would sit in the cellar awaiting man after man to go down there and “play with her”, Horny’s words.

Then he cut to the quick and admitted that he had been asked to take part too. At this point she said she felt slightly uneasy about him and what had previously seemed like a promising relationship had been marred.

Despite her unease she agreed to meet up with him the following day for dinner at a restaurant. I told you she could be too trusting and naïve at times. He called her to arrange the time for the date and then let it slip that he would be cooking for her.

At that point she bottled out and said she didn’t think it would be a good idea after all. She said she doubted his intentions when he had said go out for dinner and then changed his mind given his previous admission.

I tell you these girls should write a book about some of the weird and wonderful things which have happened to them as single girls. In fact I would write it if I could sit and listen to them during the day again. 😉

Fucking Amazing

Last night was great fun. We tested one of our newly arrived toys together, then spent a little time on each other and finally made love again, just the two of us.

Sex earlier in the evening had been great, the toy we used being particularly effective and quite a revelation for a simple device. Sometimes there’s nothing quite so nice as a loving screw. Loving doesn’t mean it wasn’t passionate, just not wild monkey sex. We started in the missionary position. That doesn’t sound very adventurous for us does it. But when you consider we’ve not really had sex in that position for years until about a month ago it’s unusual for us.

Missionary is like coming home. We’ve been through all the positions we’re physically able to get into, exploring as every possibility we can think of and ignoring the conventional. When you do that the conventional itself becomes exotic to you.

Anyway, from missionary Suze rolled onto her side. I knelt across her leg and slid deep inside her, making her gasp with my deepest strokes and moan with the rest. I could have carried on for hours, because despite being a very tiring day for all sorts of reason I was very turned on. When that happens the fatigue just falls away, at least until the ultimate climax.

Finally, Suze rolled onto her stomach and raised her ass towards me. We fucked doggy, Suze cumming twice and my orgasm arriving slowly and intensely, rolling over my body like a light blue wave. Time seemed to slow down as the pleasure increased.

Then I passed out. Yep, just for a second I think I blacked out. I think it was the intense satisfaction and release that did it, and I was aware of doing it in a weird way but I lost control of my motor functions and slumped across Suze’s back for a moment.

Maybe it was the fatigue, combined with the orgasms. Whatever it was I’ve not experienced it before and it brought with it a feeling of calm and fulfilment.

I don’t think Suze quite realised what happened. She obviously felt me slump across her back, then come back to life. Just when you think there’s nothing new to experience something happens and you realise you’ll always be learning …

Getting Dirty With Horny And Busty

Anna Nicole SmithI had a rare moment at work these days when I got chance to go to my old department and catch up on some of the gossip. I’m so busy these days that I just don’t get the chance to chat with Busty and Horny any more.

It was my first day back after a week off and I had worked my ass off in the morning trying to catch up on the work that had accumulated whilst I was off. So I thought I deserved some time out this afternoon to catch up with my old mates.

They were pleased to see me and fill me in on what they had been up to. I told you they were considering speed dating or attending a local singles club a while ago but nothing came of it. Well, whilst I was off last week Busty found out about a local singles night and they made a few enquiries and decided to go.

It was being held at a country club and not only did they go but they invited a mutual friend who said she would meet them there. Horny said they pulled up in the car park and noticed that the billboard next to the door said “Pie & Peas Night”.

“Oh, and Bingo I assume”, I said mockingly.

Busty said they were inquisitive to know who was in there and wandered round the side of the building to where all the noise was coming from. She said that she had to scramble a couple of feet up a wall (bear in mind she only ever wears high heeled stilettos) to be able to see through a crack in the curtain.

She said that all she managed to see before falling back to the ground were a couple of grey haired people with their backs to the window. At that point she prompted Horny that it may not quite be their scene and the jointly decided to move on once the other girl arrived.

Upon her arrival she said “come on lets go in and see what it’s like”. Apparently it was full elderly genteel folk but they said that they felt it bad manners to leave immediately. They went to the bar and the next thing they were being asked to introduce themselves and draw the winning ticket for the prize draw.

Busty was propositioned by a chap who claimed to be in his mid seventies for a waltz and declined based on the fact she cannot ballroom dance. And then later in the evening an old chap chanced his luck and asked if she would like to attend a tea dance at the weekend.

She kindly declined the 83 year old man who was clearly boxing above his weight. Busty said he had tried to woo her with personal info like the fact he had owned his own company and has his own house which is paid for.

And they told me about “the most common tart they had ever met”. They described her as being in her late forties and wearing a top cut so low that you could see the edge of her areolas. And because she was quite an ample girl she looked obscene. I reminded them of Anna Nicole Smith.

Strange when you are only in your early thirties you have different requirements from your suitor. Lol It sounded like despite the night not being quite what they expected they had a good evening anyway. But that is exactly what they are like, never miss a moment to enjoy themselves.

Horny added that they are going to a different singles night at the weekend. I’ll keep you posted on progress. Lol

Anal What?

Spanked Arse TattooI just read a quick story on The Sun’s site regarding absurd tattoos and what were the people thinking when they had them done. To be quite honest, looking at the images they have as examples you have to ask “were they sober at the time?” Because if you were in your right mind you just wouldn’t.

Aviva Yael had put together a collection of the strangest tattoos in a book called “No Regrets: The Best, Worst & Most #$%*ing Ridiculous Tattoos Ever. The book has according the paper become a global sensation.

But I think the most amusing aspect of this feature is that they used the image above and only commented about the tattooed hand on the right cheek.

When I actually was drawn to the string of love beads emblazoned on her lower back. Lol Did they notice these and were unable to mention them? What do you think?

Nudes In The Alps

Naked HikersI suppose that naturism, or nudism as it was called when I was a nipper, is easy to comprehend for most people. The thought of divesting yourself of all the trappings of modern life, specifically clothes, and returning to a more natural state does have its attractions. It must be so liberating.

That doesn’t mean that it’s for everyone, as proved by the Swiss community of Appenzell Inner Rhodes who have voted overwhelmingly to ban naked German hikers from wandering up their valley.

While understanding the wish of the naturists to roam, care-free and clothes-free in the beautiful and picturesque scenery of the Swiss Alps the residents do have a point. I don’t want to be enjoying a hotdog alfresco to have some guy walk past dangling his tackle at me.

Can you imagine the questions from the kids? Why’s that lady wearing no clothes daddy? Mummy got upset when she found all your magazines with naked ladies in …

Electric Anal Probe

Sloggi BriefsI couldn’t believe this when I read it on my horoscope on my iGoogle on Friday. I don’t normally read horoscopes, I’m not a believe in astrology, but something drew my eye to this one.

Your key planet Mercury is buzzing with a high-frequency charge from electric Uranus, provoking you to go against the grain and take a risk. Luckily, your quirky sense of innovation will likely pay off for you today and the steady Taurus New Moon in your 12th House of Imagination can ground you just enough to turn your crazy idea into something that actually works.
By Rick Levine
Friday, April 24, 2009

Sorry to the heavens here but I’m unlikely to take a risk with electricity in my anus at this precise moment.

Do you think they word them like that on purpose?

Porn Stars In Your Street

Fur CoatWould you recognise a porn star if you met them in the street? I don’t mean one you have seen on camera, but a professional porn performer who simply passed you as you were walking to the supermarket.

I can think of several different performers, who I shall not name, all of whom fall into one of three categories. That is yes, no and undecided.

The majority of performers that I’ve actually met would blend into a crowd when not on a shoot. When not dressed in leather, PVC or other such porn uniforms they look just like everyone else. Boring maybe, but true. If you didn’t know who they were they’d walk right past you without you even giving them a second glance.

There are a couple that, because of their distinctive personalities you would have to ask the question – What do they do for a living?

But there is one performer who on every occasion I have met her has been wearing what I can only describe as her fuck-me clothes. She is incidentally one of the nicest people you’d wish to meet, but she is always in-character because I think the persona she has on-screen is her real life persona. Very honest and very British.

Most of us wear a mask when we present ourselves to other people so it’s refreshing that working in an industry that many people would sneer at and regard as sleazy she is simply herself.

And no, you’ll have to work out who it is because I’m a gentleman and I’m not letting on.

Now the next question is, would you recognise me or Suze?

Jenna Haze’s Darker Side

Jenna Haze Look-A-LikeLucky for us Google isn’t involved in the government’s ID card system in the UK. If they got their hands on the facial biometrics we could all end up in jail.

Searching for images like Jenna Haze on the new Google Similar Images system gives less than desirable results.

Of all the people not to be compared to I think Josef Fritzl would be in the bottom five, don’t you think?

Swinging Apprentice

Lorraine TigheAlex and I have been hooked on The Apprentice since we got in to watching it last year, it is a very addictive programme. Each year it takes us a couple of episodes to decide who we like and want to win and who we would gladly see leave the boardroom in shame.

This year’s series has been particularly cut throat with a couple of the guys and girls apportioning blame to deflect the heat when they have been the reason for failure. I must say that I have been rather surprised with Alan Sugar’s choices this year, although last year Clare managed to avoid being fired on several occasions.

I think Alan likes a bit of controversy and gives the gobshites a chance to redeem themselves or alternatively he knows who to keep in the show to pull in the viewers, after all we all love to dislike the baddy.

Every year the papers dish up some dirt on the contestants and this year had been much the same but I must admit I didn’t expect the story I read today emerge about Lorraine Tighe. Although I should suspected that she ran deeper than she appeared because she looks like the stereotypical “Sexologist”.

It has been revealed today that she is in to swinging after being involved in a soiree with 6 naked men and women in Amsterdam’s red light district.

Lorraine aged 36 is claimed to have been so aroused by the action taking place around her that she paid for her boyfriend to get it on with a prostitute whilst she watched. I know, I was slightly shocked too, you can read the full story here.

Dark Porn

Dark PornI think I need to write some more erotic fiction. I miss not doing it but as we are asked to contribute to other projects both on our sites and elsewhere it’s becoming one of those little luxuries that I seldom indulge myself with. In fact it does seem like an indulgence now I come to mention it. As though spending time thinking through a plot and then writing, re-drafting and finally publishing some dark erotic fiction is something akin to a chocolate desert.

So I resolve to do something about it and if you’ve read any of my stuff before you’ll know it will be dark porn, gothic and probably a bit twisted.

I can’t imagine what that says about me. LOL