Monthly Archives: January 2010

Anal-ize This

Some impulses really should be suppressed.

I’m not against a bit of anal exploration, done carefully, with the right sex toy and plenty of lube it can be fun if you’re male or female. There are times when you have to ask “What the hell were they thinking?”

This site was both alarming and amusing, the Impulse deodorant can was probably the most risible.

Now of course some of the images, X-rays and what have you, that you se online are just fake. However some aren’t and the one that I witnessed myself showed the dangers of not selecting your anal toy carefully.

A colleague of mine once prodded me and said “Take a look at this”. He handed me his mobile phone, on it was a picture that that his wife had MMSed him. It was an X-Ray of a guy with a broken vibrator up his ass. She was a radiographer and had snapped the image from her monitor.

Anal sex toys are designed specifically for anal stimulation. Going hard at it with a toy that’s not quite up to the job is just asking for trouble.

Fucking The Teacher

Lucy PinderWhen I fucked the teacher … Apologies to Abba for that one. When I was at school my O-Level biology teacher was female. Boy was she female. I would fantasise about her quite regularly. The big joke was of course that we were looking forward to her giving the sex-ed practical. Alas it never cam eto pass, for some reason LOL.

Suffice to say that my school biology teacher was the sort of fresh-out-of-college dark haired and nicely curvy woman that made the perfect masturbation fantasy.

I mention her because I was just in the shower and she popped inot my head. No, not because I was cracking one off, but it occurred to me that while there are certain educational establishments across the world that offer courses in sexology and similar subject I’ve never seen one that offers a degree in adult.

Porn and the adult industry in general is just as valid an occupation as any other. You can get a qualification in “Tourism Management” or “Hospitality”, why not a degree in “Sex Toys” or “Adult Industry Studies”?

There’s an increasing demand for adult material, films and shall we say, personal products. Like all industries you need to know that the people you’re employing know what they’re talking about and meet certain standards.

Oxford, Cambridge, Edinburgh, you know it makes sense, put it in the curriculum today.

Fuck Me Shoes

Vivier ShoesI know it seems to have become a bit of a tradition that girls collect shoes but I have never been one to follow the norm. For me shoes are practical, yes I like to have heels to go out in, trainers to exercise and walk in. I’m more of a practical girl. Why do I need loads of shoes which will cost a fortune and sit in my wardrobe most of the time.

My ex-colleague Busty at work revealed to me tht she has more than a hundred pairs of shoes. In fact so many that she was having to invest in a stacking method to get them all to fit in her closet.

You have to ask is it really necessary to have that many. It reminded me a little of people on social networking sites who have to collect friends to boost their self worth. To prove how popular they can be.

Is this compensating for something? I don’t know. Do we have any psychologists in the house?

And to be honest it maddens me to read just how much we spend on things which don’t matter like handbags, clothing and shoes.

So you can imagine how I reacted to this totally tasteless pair of shoes when I read this article.

Surely you have to be a fuck wit to think they either look good or are worth that kind of money. 🙂

Fucking Twats

This is in no way related to sex but I’m so incensed by it that I have to say something.

In the UK the DVLA look after licensing cars and provide the documentation that accompanies a car throughout its life. It’s known colloquially in the UK as the “Log Book”. Apparently they had about 1 million of these printed around a year ago, noticed a fault on them and sent them to be shredded. They never made it to the secure disposal facility.

Sine then the police have had to deal with £13 million of stolen cars which have been sold on using these “missing” documents which the criminals have simply printed the details they required on to them.

The DVLA say they “can’t be held responsible for the “criminal acts” [of the thieves] who are using these documents. How about the utter incompetence of losing 1 million very valuable documents?

Someone’s security is crap and after the problems with another branch of the same institution losing driving licences recently you have to ask if they know what they are doing?

Nipples Out

It’s bloody freezing this morning. Imagine all the nipples standing proud and erect!

Yep, just for a change I woke up horny this morning.

Lot’s of work to do if I’m to launch today. Launch what? You ask.

Well, you’ll just have to wait and see.

Anal Sex, BDSM And Lots Of Kink

Anal Sex GameAlex and I are opened minded when it comes to sex, as they say we are willing to try most things. If you had asked me a few years ago if I would like being tied down and fucked or gently whipped with a rubber flogger, the answer would have been a resounding no.

I suppose in a way we were vanilla with a little twist and that twist has found its own way as a result of our sexuality blogging. And I truly believe that our relationship has blossomed and flourished as a direct result of the adult world in which we thrive.

That said there are still some lines I will not cross be it mentally or physically. Sex just doesn’t seem to gel with some things in life, children or child-like models/characters which I see in some forms of hentai, faux schoogirl and animal which renders images of beastiality. I think it goes back to the fact that if the subject cannot say no or is unable to resist then it is wrong. For me they represent the vulnerable in life and should be protected.

Ok I’m getting a little too introspective and analytical.

The image above depicts the x-rated ring toss which comprises a 1.90cm diameter butt plug with stick. It comes complete with 3 rings to throw. Now to me that is funny.

However I can’t say the same about the horse penis dildo or the german shepherd dog penis dildo, to me that is so…wrong! It certainly wouldn’t be on my wish list.

Can sex go a little too far?

Sex Play In Public

If you read regularly you will have worked out that I have a playful nature and enjoy having fun both in and out of the bedroom.  As they say life is too short not to enjoy it, you don’t get a second chance.

We enjoy playing in public.  I’ve been known to slip off my shoe under the dinner table and caress his crotch with my toes.  He has slipped his hand up my top to caress my breasts when nobody is looking and I’ve grabbed his crotch when he has been kissing me at the supermarket checkout.  We all enjoy a little naughtiness in the great outdoors, it makes daily life a little more kinky.

But I just read about a couple who went a little bit too far in Tescos and got caught.  You would be forgiven for assuming they were young and impetuous but the couple concerned were pensioners.  Lol

Peter Echlin aged 78 and Fay Byrne aged 62, were arrested after a security man spotted the man holding a coat over the woman.  At first staff believed they were shop lifters but the security guy was on the ball and he called the police.

There is a lesson to be learned here.  If you are going to get it on in the supermarket be careful because someone could be watching you.  At least you could end up on YouTube and at worst being dragged off by the local constabulary.  Lol

She’s Cumming

There’s something new coming and she’s better than ever. It’s the new, improved … Nah, you’ll have to wait and see 🙂

3D Pornography

I didn’t get chance to watch Caligula the first time round, which is strange because I was aware of it and just as filthy then as I am now.  Just a few months ago I did get the chance to watch the uncut version because Alex got it on DVD.

After watching it I was moved to write here about how gratuitously sexual it was, almost desperate to shock and be extreme.  And you know how open minded I am but this film I found repulsive.  It started off rather promisingly and somehow lost its way like the director had dropped a tab of acid and took a trip to sexual hades.

I was horrified to read the Tinto Brass the director of the original depraved production is about to remake Caligula this time in 3D.  Lets hope this time he makes a better “fist” of it.  If you watch the film you will know what I’m talking about.  Lol

You can read the full story here.

Eating Cum

The last time I checked we were in the 21st century. But if you read this definition of the term Limp Biscuit on Urban dictionary (Definitions #2 and #3) you will probably question the current epoc.

Definition 1 is what I’d regard as a pretty accurate description of the “game” limp biscuit.

2 and 3 are a prime example of bad forum moderation and overt homophobia. I don’t believe in censorship on the whole but when something like this pops up it pisses me off. Maybe it was meant as a joke. Well it didn’t work, it wasn’t funny. And if it wasn’t a joke then it’s the sort of casual bigotry that leads to endemic prejudice by sugar coating it in weak humour.

Am I being too sensitive? I don’t know but I honestly think that the entry should be edited or removed from the site.

Pussy Pussy

Is this the most incongruous use of a cat in a picture? I have absolutely no idea what the reason behind it is so does anyone have any suggestions?

Novelty Sex

Last week we had a very interesting meeting with one of the UK’s few sex toy designers.  He was in the area and met up with us to demonstrate at a local adult store how his product worked and we went for a coffee afterwards.

It was a great sharing experience as we all bounced thoughts and ideas off each other.  What you could call an educational evening with extras.  I came away with one of their products which I will be reviewing in the near future.

One interesting point he did make and I must admit it was something which crossed my mind, is why do Americans refer to sex toys as “Novelties”?  They aren’t novelties or adult novelties, they are sex toys!

Is this because some states deny access to sex toys and will not permit sex stores to open in their cities?  Or is someone pretending that they don’t get off using that toy they bought, they bought it just for the fun of it?  Lol

I don’t really know, but over here we believe in telling it like it is and you will not see the word novelty used in any of the sex shops I go to.  And we don’t get served by people dressed in white coats with pens in their top pockets and thick rimmed glasses.  The guys at our local adult store dress smart casual.

Someone please explain what this is all about, enlighten me.

Celebrities In The Nude

When I wrote the post about Ulrika Johnson being a bit of a MILF I didn’t mention that Googling her name produces some images that I’m guessing are not entirely genuine. You know, the ones purporting to show her being DP-ed by two guys etc. All fake, some executed better than others.

I remember the first fake celebrity nude I ever saw. It was just after Star Trek TNG started. There was an Internet, but now World Wide Web, that came a couple of years later. One of my colleagues, an early adopter of the Internet brought a floppy disk into the office, yes you read that right, a floppy disk. On it he had a picture supposed to be of Gates McFadden AKA Beverley Crusher, the Doctor from The Enterprise in TNG – nude.

Looking back it was an awfully crude fake, but at the time I suppose we were all new to it and although most of us spotted it the guy who had been sent it via Compuserve was very enamoured of it. Ew, I just thought about him generating sticky tissues over it.

Celebrity nudes are of course all over the web all of the time, you pick a name and someone with have Photoshopped their head onto a porn star’s body.

I suppose it’s the same reason that we’re getting daily shots of Amy Winehouse in The Sun newspaper, either in her bikini or with her boobs out. It doesn’t matter who the celebrity is the public want to see them with their nipples on display. Even if the image is faked.

Making Him Hard ;)

I love making Alex hard and the number of ways I’m able to bring about that physical response.  It can be something I said or maybe a look.  And every time it happens it makes me feel good knowing that I have the ability to turn him on, make him hard just for me.

The image over on the left reminded me just how much I love erections under clothing.  A woman can hide her arousal after all a pair of damp panties aren’t quite as visible are they.  I’m reminded of my first embrace with Alex, a quick good night kiss and the feel of that hard cock pressing against me.

You can check out the full photo shoot over here at Viceland, I think I may become a regular visitor.  😉

Filthy Fucking Elf Maidens

Like much of the world I was quite taken by Avatar and learned with a mixture of excitement and trepidation that Jim Cameron has in mind to make another two Avatar movies, Excitement because of how much I liked the first but worry because the franchise could all go so horribly wrong … we’ll see.

One thing that would go down well is World Of Warcraft or other such fantasy franchise in 3D. I mean look at the enthusiasm of the girls in the picture. If they’ll go to that trouble they’d certainly buy a pair of 3D specs 🙂

Decadent Fucks

This month we are offering readers of AlexSuze the opportunity to enter the AS Treasure hunt and win a Lelo Ina like the one featured up there in the top left corner.

I reviewed this stylish rabbit vibe and loved it, you can read the Lelo Ina review here to find out what you are missing.  All you have to is follow the instructions in this post to register yourself for the FREE prize drawer.

There is no cost to incur not even the postage to your door, so what have you got to loose, go and start playing now.

What more could a girl want for Valentines Day.  😉  Good look!

Dogging Confession ;)

I have only just stopped laughing after reading a news item in today’s Sun.  I’m sure most of you will be familiar with the expression “Dogging” if not it is the practice of having sex in or on a car in full view of other doggers.

I’m not sure of it’s origins but I think we started it over here in the UK.  It’s not something I’m in to despite having had many naughty encounters in cars.

The subject was raised on Matthew Wright’s show The Wright Stuff.  The subject of the daily phone in was “What will you do to please your partner?”.  The story is hilarious and you can read it here.

Dirty Hours, Golden Showers

Sean’s face was red, beads of sweat were beginning to form as he yelled at her, his face only inches from hers. The words were just a noise to her now, each anger-filled syllable indistinguishable from the last.

Her eyes where glazed, neck like a piece of rubber. Her head rolled from side to side as he grabbed her shoulders and shook her.

“You fucking stupid bitch! … all that money … I work bloody hard to keep us in this house and for what? You to throw it away at the bingo! How long did you spend on the fuckin’ bandits today? … Well?”

She stared at him, or perhaps more accurately she gazed through him with the thousand yard stare of one whose mind is elsewhere, safe in a place of its own making. That was the moment he snapped, his right hand left her shoulder and paused briefly above and behind him before careering towards the side of her face.

Her head was thrown sideways by the impact of his open palm. She didn’t feel the impact immediately or hear the loud crack that accompanied it. Rather the pain blossomed as a slowly intensifying glow in her cheek. The slap brought her back to her senses, and with the awakening came a welling of tears that grew into a salty stream trickling down her face.

Sean let go of Shelley. She slumped onto the sofa, body shuddering in silent sobs.

He was talking again, more softly now, apologies, promises never to hit her again, contrition, self-loathing, resetting the timer. The timer that would tick-tick-tick until the next time. The time when the tension inside him was so untameable that he’d hurt her again.


Later, in bed, listening to Sean vomiting loudly in the bathroom, she reflect on the day, an icepack pressed against her throbbing cheek. Not a bad day, she had got away without a beating for almost a month now. And now she had a week’s grace, or maybe more, until he felt bold enough to challenge her again.

It had been a good day on balance. Bingo had been fun, a bit of money on the slots, couple of games, then a wink to Paul before slipping off into the manager’s office.

The office used to be a dressing room for the stars that frequented the building when it had been a theatre. It was the star’s room too, relatively large, with a tiled shower and lavatory in the small room leading off it.

She had waited outside the door, straightening her clothes. It struck her as odd that she should do that, after all Paul was not interested in her appearance, just her money. Even the manager of a provincial bingo hall doesn’t earn that much, so her custom was welcome. He was in his early twenties, ten years or so her junior, but he liked her body. She had looked after herself and had a beauty that would stay with her despite what the years, or Sean, could throw at her. He would probably have fucked her for free if it weren’t for her very specific needs.

Paul locked the door and held out his hand. She placed a bundle of notes into it, which he then stuffed in his inside jacket pocket.

He undressed, carefully hanging up his clothes on the hooks and hangers waiting on the wall. When he was undressed she grabbed his semi-erect penis and pulled him close to her. “you can undress me and fuck me now little boy.

He obliged, taking the same care with her clothes as he had done with his, leaving only her black leather stiletto healed boots in place.

Shelley sat on a chair, legs spread. “Lick me.” She ordered with a callousness that made his flesh creep. But he knelt and did just that, probing her clitoris and outer lips with his tongue, her hands pressing him into her mons, threatening to suffocate him.

She smiled as he squirmed struggling to breath until she felt suitably relaxed.

“Get in there.” She snapped, and he knew where.

He lay naked on the cold hard tiles, cock erect and ready for her. He looked on Shelley as a necessary evil, but strangely was actually beginning to enjoy her visits. She was sexually alive, forceful, and very, very dirty minded. Filthy minded. He chuckled to himself. If his girlfriend ever found out what he got up to …

Shelley lowered her swollen lips onto his cock and guided his cock into her wet cunt. Then she squatted above him, muscles grasping his member. Her face leered down at him, watching as she coaxed him to orgasm. This young innocent little boy, just like Sean was on their honeymoon. Sad that he still acted like a child, maybe that’s why she hated him so much, not the violence.

Paul’s face was beginning to contort into an unmistakeable pre-orgasmic mask. She bounced as hard as she could forcing her pussy as hard as possible onto his cock. He grunted squirting his seed into her, two, three, four powerful contractions filling her with his semen.

She stood up, still astride him and watched him relax. His eyes were closed.

Then he felt it, the hot and wet, cascading down on his belly, then as she shuffled forward, up his chest and eventually onto his neck, face and hair. He clamped his mouth shut and waited for the golden shower to subside.

And waited, and waited, for her final act, the one that she enjoyed the most. A glob of semen slowly slid out of her vagina and landed, plop, on his lips.

“Same time next week you little shit?” She asked.

“Mmmm – mmm”, He responded, not wanting to open his mouth.

Shelley got dressed to the sound of Paul cleaning himself and the shower room. With the spring firmly reinstalled in her step she made her way home.


A few days later and the bruise on her face had subsided just enough to allow her to cover it with the heavy foundation she always kept for these occasions.

Shelley and Sean watched their three children playing in the garden on the new slide Sean had bought them. A new chain sparkled around Shelley’s neck. And a new icy dagger had pierced her pincushion heart.

Sean munched his toast before setting off for work. His face was looking a little puffy these days and he had only just got over an apparently interminable cold. He clenched and flexed his fist.

“Pins and needles again?”, Shelley asked.

“Yeah, it’s getting worse.” He smiled weakly.

“You ought to see a doctor.”

“I’ll be fine, right I’m off to work.” Sean got up, kissed Shelley on the forehead and left for the day.

Their eldest daughter ran in and made herself some toast while Shelley finished her coffee. Shelley glanced across as the eight year old stuck her knife into the jar of marmalade on counter top.

“No!, Not daddy’s marmalade”

Her daughter looked shocked at the sudden outburst, tears filled her eyes. Shelley hugged her, “It’s alright, alright, Daddy’s special marmalade is just for him, remember that.”

Shelley looked the nearly empty jar and at the yew tree at the end of the garden. Time to make up some more of Sean’s special marmalade when the kids were at school.