Monthly Archives: December 2011

A Cheeky Finger Up Your Ass And A Happy New Year

Alisha DixonI’ve just spent the last two and a half hours watching the Alan Carr New Years show.  It made a change from the usual dross that you have to watch on the lead up to the clock striking 12 and he had some entertaining guests on the show.

It was amusing to watch people who are normally sober and composed getting wrecked and towards the end Heston Blumethal admitted that he was pissed whilst dipping beverages in to liquid hydrogen.  Then there was Bruno Tollonioli with a libido as large as his personality making suggestive comments, not to mention some dirty dancing with Melanie Sykes.

I swear the camera homed in on them dancing to The Ting Tings and he was boogeying down eyes level with her crotch.  Lol

And lets not forget the lovely Gok Wan who whilst trying to host an edition of Gok Busters (loosely based on the old TV show Block Busters) admitted to being pissed unable to pronounce his words.

But the highlight of the show was the question fired at the celebrity audience by Alan “Do you like a finger up the arse whist having sex”?  A silence fell over the celebs and you could have heard a pin drop.  Then out of the silence Alesha Dixon responded to Alan’s response of “what kind of question is that”?

And without a thought I’m sure she said “that’s a perfectly normal question”.  Then she went on to say “I do”.  A least I’m sure that’s what she said over the laughter.  A girl after my own heart.  😉

 

Masturbation And Squirtting In The Kitchen

AlexSuzeI was making up some Bechamel Sauce for a lasagne this evening when it occurred to me that my wrist wasn’t getting tired. An odd enough thought for most people that something isn’t happening, but think about it. Usually a repetitive action like that will fatigue even the strongest muscles after a while, it’s just the way we are built.

Now admittedly I do have a slim frame so my musculature does tend towards endurance rather than explosive power. That must be part of the answer. However there must be another reason, muscle groups don’t just attain great endurance they have to be worked at.

Then it hit me. Wanking is great practice for using a whisk. I don’t wank at all now. I have someone to do that for me. OK so Suze likes to watch me wank, but if someone’s going to bring me off it’s going to be her and she takes over just as the sap is rising.

It must have been as a boy. You know when you first discover the joys of onanism and begin to exercise your whisking hand constantly. Amazing to think that whether the great chefs of the world regularly practice self abuse they are uniquely equipped to perform the dirty deed due to their constant whisking.

Imagine it now, you can really impress the other half too, and she won’t suspect a thing.

“Omelette dear?” – “Why yes, but you really don’t have to do all the cooking …” – “No, anything for you my sweet.”

“Do you need the blender, the Moulinex is in the cupboard?”

“No, no. Whisking by hand gives cooking the personal touch.”

I’ll have to have a think about this, there must be other activities that benefit your body’s sexual performance in ways that are not immediately apparent.

Hang on, I’m great at giving Suze G-Spot orgasms with two fingers … all that time changing clutches on Mini 1000s paid off – you have to have fingers with tendons of steel and muscles as strong as an orangutan to tighten the cover bolts. He he.

Porn Cock Ups

Porn GorillaWe have a TV programme in the UK called You’ve Been framed. It is composed of amusing moments caught on camera by members of the public. Some of them are quite obviously staged and for many years we stopped watching it because the presenters were crap and used to try and sell every clip as a hilarious totally unrehearsed moment.

A few years ago Harry Hill a uniquely British comedian took over and succeeded in getting us to watch again. He hosts the show with a gently mocking and witty take on the clips. Many of the clips are genuine, though you do have to wonder at the naivety of those involved that would allow them to get into such situations. Where a clip is obviously staged or it’s plain that anyone looking on would see the “accident” coming from a mile away and therefore avoid it, Harry Hill is ready with an amusing quip.

Perhaps the same should be applied to porn outtakes?

I’ve seen it a couple of times on YouTube where porn stars are trying to deliver dialogue to camera for promotions of their films, But that doesn’t really count as porn specific mishaps as they could be doing trailers for the Dark Knight or Toy Story, just badly.

What I’d like to see is the problems that occur during the shoots and some of the acting that doesn’t make it to the final edit. I mean, porn is notorious for its dubious scripts and acting. Imagine what gets left on the cutting room floor because it’s too crap for porn.

Then there are all the occasions where the actors must fall off the furniture, miss the hole they’re aiming for and well, the mind boggles.

I don’t suppose anyone has seen anything like this on line or elsewhere have they?

Porn? Deal!

Blonde with purple ball gagIt always amuses me when someone manages to hood wink the media and have another side to them which is naughty.  The last case I read of this was when her out of Eastenders…what’s her name?…you can tell I don’t watch the show…hold on a moment and I’ll find out.

That’s it, Cheryl Fergison created a fictitious family group so she could appear on the show.  Well when I say fictitious, that’s probably a bit too strong.  She basically substituted her mother who is dead for her best friend and her daughter for her sister.  Very complicated I know.

And now I just read that Mr good two shoes Edmunds has been duped on his Deal Or No Deal Show.  I know you probably haven’t heard of it so here’s a link to the site http://www.dealornodeal.co.uk.

Contestant Jeanette Burton appeared on the show claiming that her profession was photographer when she was really a XXX star who had a naughty website and several equally naughty videos too.

Great bit of publicity for her and excellent marketing too.  BTW I tried to locate her site to link her to this post but couldn’t, if you happen to find it let me know and I’ll credit you and add the link.  😉

Porn Times Two

Blue Bikini BabeI did something weird yesterday. I reviewed two Adult DVDs.

For someone who reviews sex toys and DVDs you might not think that’s too unusual but frankly it is because I hadn’t done a DVD review for ages. So it was quite a novelty. They were not the cream of the crop I’m afraid, both from one of my favourite adult producers, Viv Thomas, but both from the range he produces for Playboy TV so not quite the gorgeous porn he usually puts out.

Hohwever if you want to read the reviews you can catch them here and here.

 

Sexy Red, Red Lights

Neon light has only existed as a commercially available product for around 100 years and yet it forms part of our collective psyche. Its primary function is to advertise and in this age of rampant commercialism the only reason that it does not still appear on every shop front in the world is its high cost and inflexible nature relative to new forms of advertising hording.

Neons take a lot of time and skill to produce, each one is unique, but they have one thing in common, they evoke strong memories in all of us. Take the centre of Tokyo, Piccadilly Circus in London or bustling parts of any other city for that matter. At one time or another they have contained huge advertisements composed of neon signs. In films you see them from the street, or more subtly you might see the light of them illuminating the interior of a seedy hotel room through grubby windows.

If you haven’t actually done it haven’t you must have thought about having sex in a room illuminated by the light of the advertising board outside. The red-orange glow washing over your bodies as you bump and grind, heat rising, the glistening sweat on your skin emphasised by the warm glow.

No?

Just me then. LOL

Pussy Licking Goodness

Human beings have been experimenting with sex for thousands of years so it came as no shock to me to find out that cunnilingus has been around since at least the time of the Roman Empire. There’s even a picture of it on a wall Pompeii.

One thing that did surprise me was the amount of public cunnilingus that takes place, from the islands of New Guinea to (apparently) a bar in Tijuana – not sure I’d like to get it on with a total stranger in a sweaty bar in front of the other patrons…

For me it’s been part of sex, since the first time I got a girls knickers off – it was quite brief then, not because I didn’t want to but the car we were in was a bit cramped for that kind of antics. For some men it is apparently not very appetising. Frankly I can’t see why. The smell, the taste, the texture of a woman and above all the reaction it elicits from your partner makes the whole experience a huge turn-on for me and I think most men.

Can any of you naughty people explain what turns people off about cunnilingus?

Chocolate Coated Nipples

Chocolate On NippleHands up everyone who has over indulged this Christmas. I’ll guess that anyone not raising their hand was too stuffed with food and lethargic to raise an appendage.

I mean if someone were to offer you another bit of chocolate you’d refuse, right?

Although if the presentation were right I’m sure I could be persuaded to have a little nibble. LOL

Dirty Dungeon Bitches

It’s a fact that some people are from a very early age predisposed towards a BDSM lifestyle. By inclination, upbringing or a combination of both they know that they need to be sub, Dom, bottom, Top or switch. Thoughout their lives they may struggle to find the right partner and where they fit in within that relationship, they may take years to recognise that the BDSM aspect of their sexuality and personality is just that. However at the end of it all they know that they are different ans special in some way.

What about the rest of us? There are not many couples who have not played BDSM games in the bedroom to a greater or lesser degree. From light bondage to flogging many vanilla couples have played with BDSM themed bedroom fun.

I can remember when we first tried it, years ago. It was well before we got into this sex blogging malarkey and the thought of having two whips and a riding crop at the side of the bed as we have now would have seemed laughable.

How about you guys, when did you adventurous vanillas first try bedroom BDSM?

Having A Woman’s Hour Of Masturbation

MasturbationI always miss those little gems of naughtiness, television programs with lots of innuendo, programs with adult references and as I have just learned radio shows based upon female masturbation.

Yes, I did say radio show about women’s masturbation…and I missed it.  Will have to look it up later.  The Radio 4 show Woman’s Hour on Boxing Day featured several well known ladies discussing masturbation, including Tracy Emin asking the show’s presenter Jenni Murray if she did.  Lol

I’m going to be looking up the show online and in the meantime you can read the full story here.

Readers in the UK may be able to hear the programme on the BBC iPlayer, outside the UK you may be blocked I’m afraid.

 

How Extreme Does Hentai Have To Be

How big is too big when it comes to breasts on Hentai cartoons. This is a serious question. I like Japanese Manga, but I don’t actually get sexually aroused by Hentai. I look on it more as art. I believe that good Hentai is art. It can be inventive, provocative and really help the author tell a story.

But if you do find Hentai arousing, when do the increasingly larger boobs become too large to be plausible and therefore, erm, stimulating?

Sci-Fi Porn Shot

I would really love to be able to tell you the origin of this image but unfortunately the forum on which it appeared is now defunct and I can’t trace the source.

I think it qualifies as one of the most bizarre images I have ever come across. I mean I like Dr Who but not this much …

Can you see Karen Gillan doing this? Don’t answer that.

Sexy Wax Play

Oh My AssWhen you have finished running around visiting friends and spending far too much time with relatives whilst over stuffing your face you may wish to take a break from the over zealous yuletide celebrations.

And indulge yourself in something which will be both therapeutic and naughty.  Why not spend some time colouring in naked women like the one above and completing saucy quizzes.

You could treat yourself to the Hot Wax colouring and activity book by Tyson McAdoo, it has 32 pages of adult fun, you will find him here.  And whilst you are over there check out his art work it’s wonderful.  🙂

Sex With Your Clothes On

How long is it since you had sex with your clothes on? In some ways the frequency of clothed sex can be a barometer of the stage of your relationship. This is partly due to your habitation status and partly down to the amount of time you spend building up to sex.

Before you live together you tend to have sex when and where you can and even if this doesn’t happen to be outdoor sex you may simple loosen your clothing enough to get down to it. The location in which you have sex may also dictate that staying clothed is more practical, if it’s cold or you risk being discovered.

If you cohabit you take more time to make love and therefore und up naked more often. Of course the exception to this is if you keep your clothes on for a reason – role play or just clothing that you like to see each other in. All good stuff. Clothed sex in the shower is good too, just choose your garments carefully.

Even keeping your underwear on during sex can be fun. I love pulling aside the gusset of a pair of panties to gain access to a hot pussy.

Slipping In The Porn Where I Can

Butt CorsetAs you are aware I test and review adult products for a living.  Therefore my daily routine usually involves playing with toys and watching porn…oh, and writing filth for the sites.

In fact my day just doesn’t seem the same without I participate in at least one of these activities.  I get withdrawal quite quickly and certainly cannot be without some form of Internet access.  Blogging and reviewing is now so deeply embroiled in my life that I genuinely suffer a kind of withdrawal if I cannot participate.

Which brings me to the up and coming festivities.  I will be entertaining guests a couple of days this year which means I will have to endure a porn restricted couple of days, snatching the odd online moment when I can.

Did you like my reference to “snatch”?  lol

Bare with us, normal service will resume as soon as possible

Santa Likes Butt Sex

Santa With Butt PlugPaul McCarthy is apparently an artist who lives in LA. The inset picture is one of his pieces of art which was created in 2007 and displayed in a public park in Antwerp. To me it’s ludicrous in an artistic sense in that despite all the interpretations applied to it – i.e. that intrinsically it’s highlighting the commercialisation of Christmas – it’s still just an inflatable guy with a beard and a butt plug.

I mean please! How many ways can you say that Christmas is now about consumption not the birth of a saviour? It’s been said in so many different ways that no matter how big or how awkward the juxtaposition of the jolly red faced man and some incongruous object is you can’t really add to the widely accepted view that society has lost track of what Christmas was about.

However it is an amusing image, if devoid of any artistic merit.

Dangerous Gym Sex

I’m no expert personal trainer type but I suspect this is a misuse of exercise equipment and probably very dangerous.

However this sort of thing can only increase gym membership and the consequent improvement in public health should not be underestimated 😛