She Needs A Man With Two Dicks

By | January 16, 2011

Sylvia SaintWhen we reach out to planets around other stars and make our first contact with alien life, what’s the first thing we’ll do?

If you believe the alien abduction stories we’ll perform incomprehensible experiments on these potential new friends. Most of which will involve inflicting pain on them, some of which will involve an alien butt plug. It would also be a good idea to employ an incompetent anaesthesiologist so that the subject of these experiments will wake up during the procedure and remember bits of what went on.

I do regard the alien abduction stories with a certain amount of scepticism. If aliens can traverse the void between stars in a timescale makes exploration feasible then surely they can do a few experiments on mere primates like us without cocking it up?

The alternative explanation of course is that they are all would-be Masters and Mistresses (assuming they have a gender in the way in which we recognise gender) and they are down here looking for submissive species to play with in their light-speed dungeons.

It’s not as silly as it sounds. There’s the initial abduction fantasy, then the restraint, often naked and invariably uncomfortable. Then you get poked and prodded, your orifices get filled with metal instruments and maybe even a bit of alien ginger. Finally you get dumped back in the middle of nowhere and if you tell anyone what you were up to they never look at you in the same way again.

Maybe aliens are well equipped for all this probing, there’s no reason to suppose they are only limited to one dick …