Sometimes sex is spontaneous and just happens. Sometimes it isn’t that simple.
On one occasion Suze and I were popping into the supermarket to pick up some bits and pieces on Saturday morning and she asked me to pull up the car well away from the store. I did so, wondering exactly why and discovered the reason when I unbuckled my seatbelt. She unzipped me and whipped out my cock. She dived onto it and began to give me a blowjob. She only stopped when I pointed out that anyone walking down the pavement which overlooked the carpark could see us and we’d get arrested.
It wasn’t very practical, but a really naughty experience. I almost let her carry on and finish the job but decided a criminal record for gross indecency was something we could do without.
It’s not always that easy to get in the mood, especially when you’re under pressure from factors outside your control. That is why I am writing this as a follow-up to Monday night’s “Sex Under Pressure” post.
Human beings are complicated animals and when they’re feeling down it affects every aspect of their lives. It would be nice to flick a switch and block out all the bad stuff outside so that we could enjoy ourselves when we’re at home with our loved ones. Because we can’t do that, we have to devise ways of distracting ourselves from the negative influences and allowing ourselves the space to relax before intimacy and sex can happen. I’ll try and go through a few of the things that you can do to ensure that you enjoy your time at home with your partner.
Some of the things you can do are obvious but worth restating because they are so easy to miss.
First of all phones. Turn them off, all of them we have a landline and three mobile phones now. Any one of them going off while we’re getting in the mood is going to destroy the moment.
The Internet and email is surprisingly distracting for us too. Our study is next to our bedroom, so the ping of an email arriving is like the bell to Pavlov’s dog. Your mind often wants to “pop next door to see what’s come in …” Even if you don’t react to this event you might still be thrown by it. Turn off your PCs.
Lower your expectations; Not every encounter you have has to result in sex. Especially if you’ve got long-standing problems or had a particularly bad day it may be that expecting sex and trying to make it happen is the best way to destroy the evening. It’s a medically recognised fact that the expectation of sex can actually stop it happening – it’s been referred to as apprehensive expectation.
In extreme cases you should try to reduce your expectations of each other to nothing. If you can succeed in lowering your expectations enough then you’re not going to be disappointed if one or both of you is too tired to indulge in foreplay or too tense to actually make love in the way that you’d like. Whatever happens, happens and if you can both live with that the tension that might have built up around the perceived erosion of your sex life will slowly disappear with each encounter.
Some people take great solace and comfort in routine and order, but routines in sex is something that I can’t personally understand. It’s too easy to get into a routine, be that in the frequency of your love making or what you do when you and your partner are having sex. Small changes can make a big difference and big, unwelcome changes can cause big problems if your partner is not ready for it. He might be ready one day to be led around the room with a lead and muzzle but for now just buy him a collar if you know what I mean LOL.
Above all be patient and listen to one another. You don’t need to, and very often shouldn’t analyse every tiny nuance of each other’s behaviour and personality. What you should do is allow your partner to express themselves, their worries, fears and expectations. Don’t feel that you need to proffer a solution to any of the issues that come up, that will just put pressure on you. Simply listen to and understand your other half, the rest should follow.