I was reading an article today in one of the online versions of a glossy magazine about “When Is It Right To Get My New Girlfriend Into Bed?” The journalist/agony aunt is someone who I’ve known for a while and as usual she handled the question with her usual combination of care, practicality and slightly zany wit.
But after reading her response to this reader’s question I found myself wondering why they asked the question in the first place. The answer is of course blindingly obvious and it has to do with a little something called experience.
Experience is like time – something that you can’t buy but unlike time you get more of as you get older. It’s a cruel irony that we are at our most experienced just as we draw our last breath. But that does not mean that we are in a race to bed as many partners in as many unusual and extreme scenarios as we can. Life is a marathon, not a sprint and sex like everything else has it’s mad exciting rushes and slow considered periods too. Of course when you are the age of the guy asking the question about the right time to suggest getting naked and naughty with a new girlfriend the race to carnal gratification is all you can think of, so if you are that age and reading this then you’ve probably lost interest by now and are currently texting your new lady about getting into her knickers.
Sometimes it is just right and you feel a sexual attraction that simply can’t be ignored by either of you. If you are well matched and physically attracted to one another then, whether she’s acting shy and hard to get or hot and horny, you might experience wild monkey sex on the first date. Just because you do does not dictate the course of any future relationship. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re looking for a conquest or she’s “easy” but if you are going to fuck someone a few hours after meeting them then make sure you’re attracted to them and not that they were just convenient.
If you’re still reading this and not trying to persuade the girl you’re lusting after to join you for a fumble in the local park then the next thing I’ll mention is empathy and understanding. If you really want to find a partner who will enjoy sex as much as you and in the way that you enjoy sex then find someone with who you empathise. This is a two way thing and doesn’t just mean that she’s compliant and starts agreeing with everything you say. Look on your partner as a friend, a human being and that gorgeous sexy creature that is giving you a hard-on every time you think about her. Listen to her and make sure that you both, generally, want the same things from your relationship – be that a purely physical, no strings attached fuck buddy or a full-on “I want your babies” long term one.
The reason I say that empathy and understanding are so important is that if one of you is looking for a fuck buddy and the other wants a life partner then one or both of you will come out of the experienced with a few psychological bruises.
Whether it’s the first time you screw each other, introducing role play or exploring something like fisting for the first time getting to know your partner is the key to it. No amount of fancy chat-up lines or “10 ways to get you partner to ……. in the bedroom” from crappy magazines will get you what you want.
There is never a right time, a specific time a set of boxes that have to be ticked before it is right to ask your partner to have sex with you, suggest a new position, ask if they fancy anal sex or anything else but empathy and experience mean that as you get older you should make less embarrassing and relationship ending mistakes.