Secret Sexuality, Forbidden Fruits and Private Passion

By | October 24, 2008

AlexSuze.comI woke up this morning and lay in bed for a while thinking about the sort of relationship Suze and I have. As I spooned with her, enjoying the touch of her naked body on mine I considered the things about our life that we can share with the rest of the real world and those we can’t.

I often want to shout out and tell friends and family what we do online and be more honest about our attitudes towards sexuality. However society is not ready for that. Even with our relatively conventional sex life we would shock most people. Not because we do anything that should be considered particularly shocking but because most people seem to be in denial about the true nature of their sexuality and the sexuality of those around them.

Each person should be allowed to explore what sex means to them, in their own time, at their own pace. If they are not harming any one and everyone involved can give informed consent then where is the problem? Part of this train of thought is due to an article I posted yesterday on

It’s more than that though. Controlling sexuality is a tool for totalitarianism. Theological edicts on the “right” kind of sexuality have been used to guide followers of all religions and from there transferred to the legal system of secular societies. Often these are based in common sense, promoting the idea that people be faithful to one partner. On the whole this isn’t a bad idea because most people can’t handle ideas like polyamory, swinging or open relationships. They are difficult concepts to accept and deal with, and if you can’t deal with them a relationship can only go one way, down.

Early belief systems, secular or religious, had a few things in common. Namely that they generally advocated heterosexual relationships for the purposed of procreation. The recognition that sexuality is more complex than that has taken centuries to displace those one-dimensional beliefs.

Sadly it is still the case that some people are still shunned, or even worse persecuted for their sexuality. Indeed in some previously forward looking societies there is a movement to roll-back the hard-won recognition that people with different, non-monogamous, heterosexual, vanilla, sexualities are not monsters and will not undermine our society by their “deviance” from the narrow and prescriptive view of normality held by some people.

In light of which the fact that Suze and I have to be guarded about what we reveal to the real world about our sex lives and online activities is not such a problem after all.

Tags: BDSM, sexuality, homosexuality, polyamory, swinging, sex and law, religion, monogamy