DIY Superstore Vs Sex Superstore

By | March 5, 2006

Being at home all day has led to me looking more closely at things which I would normally not pay too much attention to. I suppose I really have far too much time on my hands these days with no job at present.

This has resulted in me considering redecorating certain rooms in the house. In particular our bedroom. Like sex I don’t want it to become stale and boring so I have been checking out new colour schemes and décor ideas. It’s now time to execute some of the best ones whilst I have the free time to do so.

So as the weekend came around I decided to mention this to Alex. The conversation went something like this. “Darling”. “Yes”, Alex replied. “I have decided to redecorate our bedroom” I sheepishly added. “Oh, have you now?” he offered with a rather reserved tone. This brought about a discussion of possible colours for the early part of Friday evening, then a visit to the bedroom for further study. Yes, you guessed it and a good fucking to finish off the whole project. I have marvellous powers of persuasion. So I am told. Perhaps I could put them to good use when I start job hunting again. Hehe.

I’m not sure if the UK has the monopoly on this, do people in other continents of the world spend their weekends wandering around DIY stores? Or, is this purely an English activity? You can always be sure that these stores will be overwhelmed with DIYers both enthusiastic or under duress. Their partner perhaps threatening the withdrawal of conjugal rights if they don’t do something about the state of the house.
Anyway, I’m drifting off-topic. Whilst walking around it struck me just how much of a similarity there is between the DIY Superstore and the Sex Superstore products. So here it is, without further ado, my take on the subject.

Our top item here is “Hands-free, pedal operated, quick action clamping. Large working area with MDF jaws. Front jaw adjustments. Rear jaw quick clamping release adjustment. Integrated tool rack, 4 jaws for clamping flat workpieces and 4 for round. “. All for £74.99.

Which I think beats “The STRAP TABLE is a pleasure for any bottom or Top. Custom options can make it even more versatile“. For $895 from http://www.bdgsales.com. Though the Strap table is padded and larger so you’re less likely to fall off.

This is described as “a cordless, hand-held screwdriver which is perfect for working in confined spaces“. Now let me think. Would this be good for use in the car or at my desk (under my desk).I’m not sure what the running time on this device is but it takes 1 hour & forty five minutes to recharge. That would definitely be a set back. Flat battery=no masturbation, unlike it’s sex store equivalent …

A quiet and powerful finger vibe with three sensational sleeves to get your pulse racing. The tickling octopus-style attachment is our fave (for all the right reasons!), but the others are fab too!“. It’s available from Love Honey.

I’m not sure that this fibre washer would sit comfortably around a hard cock. It could cut off the water supply or more. LOL.

This looks far more interesting :). “All hail the first cock tambourine! Kind of. Up to 14 fully rotatable stainless steel ball bearing add a frisson of excitement to this sturdy plastic cock ring. With a choice of 35mm and 45mm rings, you’re guaranteed manoeuvrability, whatever the length and girth of your shaft. Twist, turn, rub in up and down, the pleasure permutations are endless!”. For more information on this intriguing looking toy click here.

This certainly wouldn’t taste very good and would crack off when you moved. Resulting in huge pieces being shed like dandruff on to the carpet as you moved around.

I have just been reminded of a girl I used to work with. This poor girl had very dry skin.Before you say it, I know it can be awfully uncomfortable. When she had visited the toilet she left dandruff. She actually had fanny dandruff, which could be blown from the seat.I’m on a bit of a roll now.

I also used to work with a woman who kept a pair of tweezers on top of the toilet system at home. When asked why she did this, her reply was that she hated having grey pubes. She used to sit on the toilet and pluck them out.Right, where were we?

As for the body paint “Your body covered in warm chocolate and being licked from tip to toe...”. Sounds good to me. All aspiring body decorators click here.

This is a lubricant for laying pipe, how appropriate. Though Alex isn’t keen on the idea of using it on his pipe I like the possibility of pushing your vibe in the pot and coating it in one easy go. Dip and play, no accuracy required. Can even be done in the dark and underground apparently.

However this might be more appropriate, “Astroglide super-slippery … enhancing intimate activity – sex! The condom-safe water-based and water-soluble formula is whisper-light, too.”.

Loving the press stud front on this boilersuit for quick and easy release. It’s also described as being durable. I hope they mean around the crotch. With the added bonus that it is easily washable.That’s a good thing.

I don’t know how many times Alex has slipped me one through the front of his trousers and later discovered the tell tale cum patch on his groin. Good job cum can be picked off with a finger nail in emergencies.

I really am so tempted by this too, “He’ll want to be in pole position when he sees you in this ultra-sexy Charlies Angels-style Racer jumpsuit.”

Now at first glance these seem impossible to walk on, I’ll give you that. But if you look closer, they have a larger footprint on the floor than the porn shoes and a cunning cantilever mechanism.

No wobbly stiletto heels to contend with plus the added bonus of height adjustment. This provides good alignment of sexual organs no matter how tall your man. But remember to take them off in bed, unlike the porn shoes which usually stay on.

Not quite sure why. If they fell off the girl’s feet which are usually waving about in mid air, someone can easily become concussed. We’ve seen it happen in a porn movie!

Can you imagine the doctor at the hospital asking, “And just before he was rendered unconscious what was he doing”?

However I think I’ll stick to these, “Outrageous black platform slip-on shoes with 6.5-inch heel by Tony’s of Hollywood.

Ok, I know this is a far cry from anal beads. Allow me this one, every time I see a plug I just can’t help but chuckle to myself.I suppose it could be useful if your partner is flatulent. If deployed for such a purpose, make sure that the other end is attached to their underwear.

A teasing string of 10 graduated anal beads with a safety handle at the end“. thank heaven for safety handles.

All our DIY items are from the aptly named Screwfix.com :).