“I first became aware of it, Mandrake, during the physical act of love … Yes a profound sense of fatigue, a feeling of emptiness followed. Luckily I was able to interpret these feelings correctly: loss of essence … I can assure you it has not recurred, Mandrake. Women… women sense my power, and they seek the life essence. I do not avoid women, Mandrake, but I do deny them my essence.”
I have something in common with general Ripper, no I’m not clinically insane, I have a certificate to prove I’m sane, mwahahahaha!. No, the similarity is that I’m starting to believe sexual climax can sometimes bring epiphany. Not every time, not in the bolt of lightening, burning bush kind of way, but a little enlightenment nonetheless.
I think the physical exertion has something to do with it, and the single mindedness and focus that being so passionately in love and lust with someone brings. From the moment the first stirrings begin, as the blood fills my cock, when that familiar aroma begins to waft from the sweet valley between Suzanne’s legs, my mind is focussed. Clarity in such a busy world as this is rare, I suppose it takes such a pure and unadulterated state of mind, i.e. lust, to remove the complexities from the moment and allow that singularity of purpose. Which leads to where?
There are points in my life when I have seen the path ahead. In my own limited understanding of Buddhism I would have to describe them as Kensho. There are not many such points, because by their nature they are pivotal and literally life-changing. The one which is most prominent and obviously important in my life is the day Suze and I became an item. Specifically the moment we first kissed. It was a kiss on the lips, I remember the moment vividly and in that instant everything changed.
I can tell you exactly where it was, to within a few centimetres. The colour of the carpet, the walls, the layout of the room. I can recall her aroma, what she was wearing, the taste and texture of her lips on mine. I know the thrill I felt and in her surrender to me and the winds of fate I could see a path in front of me. The epiphany was gone as fast as it arrived, fleeting and more powerful because of that. In that instant everything changed and my life was set on a new course.
What ensued was a metaphorical journey on a Bullet Train through life, so that now while our own private Shinkansen is still running at a respectable speed it does not match the pace it once had.
Have I reached Satori? Not yet, though I’ve certainly had glimpses of it. I find enlightenment is like a bar of soap in the bath; the more you try to grasp it the more elusive it becomes. Over the past few months there have been a number of occasions just after sex that have tantalised me. In the hailstorm of sensory overload that accompanies my orgasms forgotten memories have tried to surface. They seem to be memories of a time of innocence, of my childhood and early teens. They are not exactly tangible yet, and I’ve not been able to slip into one of these dream-like memories for more than a few seconds. The other thing about them is that they are not memories of the events at a particular time but a state of being described in a sensory language that my mind has devised.
I suppose by definition that they are not true memories but the sum of a state of mind which is for the moment at least lost to me. That is not to diminish their importance in any way, rather it identifies them as what they are, road signs on the way to a more content and aware state of being.
The fact that they seem to occur after intense physical love is not something that I attribute to exhaustion or hallucinations, though it is like swimming through what I imagine a good acid trip would be like. If there is such a thing as a good acid trip. It’s more about freeing your mind, emptying it of thoughts (which in my case doesn’t take too long) and letting a new awareness fill the receptive void created.
Undoubtedly the way I perceive these events is linked to my synaesthesia. My perception of the world is slightly different to what might be described as the norm. That doesn’t mean that the significance or meaning of the feelings and sensations is different, simply that my mind has a different and more varied palette with which to describe the moment. That makes me feel truly blessed. I also think these moments of kensho feel more important to me as we’re finally entering a period in our lives together where we can put a lot of the crap behind us.
So in allowing the most basic of urges to be fulfilled I find that it might be leading me towards a lasting enlightenment. If satori is this much fun to attain, I’d recommend it to everyone. And if it doesn’t help me achieve satori, it’s going to be great fun trying. 🙂