The Worst Idea In The World?

By | February 15, 2006


Is “Dildonics” the worst idea in the world? I heard the phrase coined a decade ago by dot-com types desperate to find a niche in the blossoming web world and even more desperate to get up close and personal with a real female.

If you’re not familiar with the concept, “Dildonics” is the idea that with various electromechanical devices and an Internet connection you could have sex remotely. The idea, quite frankly, at best amuses me and at worst make me a little queezy.

We’re not talking about virtual sex and total immersion in an artificial world, a la “The Matrix”. This would involve buying, er, appliances from somewhere. Strapping them on to yourself, and your partner doing the same. Then either by mind control (of a type only vaguely alluded to by these naïve blue-sky thinkers), or by keyboard and mouse, you would stimulate each other with the ultimate goal being intercourse by proxy.

I for one am not attracted to the idea of popping down to my local electrical retailer to consult the spotty little street urchin with a name badge proudly proclaiming his status as “Trainee”. Asking his advice on which groinal attachment would be best for my meat and two veg to sit in conjures up some bizarre images.

What happens if a fault develops? Would the manufacturer’s insurance indemnify against me being “Bobbitised”?

And how faithfully could an electromechanical device every reproduce the gentle caress of a hand, tongue or mouth? Well, it couldn’t now could it.

OK, so the Heath Robinson solution doesn’t work. How about total immersion in an artificial world? If you can stand the slight green tinge of the Matrix I for one would most definitely give it a try with Monica Bellucci. However, as Mouse said in the original Matrix, “How did the machines know what chicken tasted like?”.

How indeed. The only form on human/machine erotic/sexual interaction that I have found to be rewarding is when two or more human beings use the medium to communicate. The human mind is the largest sexual organ and that is all you need.

When plastics where first invented the chemical companies tried to push them as the ideal material for everything. As the material sciences surrounding plastics was immature this led to plastic being associated with cheap, shoddy goods. How often do you refer to something as being “plastic”, inferring low quality, undesirable and fundamentally ersatz? And yet plastics now form part of the fundamental structure of our society, both metaphorically and literally.

I suppose what I’m saying is that the Internet is the most powerful tool ever invented for bringing people together, and letting them communicate ideas. Our brains on the other hand are what makes us human.