Unless we have company there’s one thing guaranteed in our household. Dirty talk.
This doesn’t just mean the sort of exchange you might expect before and during sex. That you would expect, wouldn’t you. No, I’m talking about two other situations.
First the obvious one. We now have so many sex toys laying around in the process of being tested, or waiting patiently in their packaging until their appointed time, that it’s normal to hear phrases such as “Alex, pass me that vibe. No the red one … no the other red one” or “I assume you want to watch me wank off with this?” It’s just normal at the moment.
But here’s one little exchange that made me chuckle quietly to myself on Monday night.
Suze: (while watching Nigella Express) “Are those pastry cutters hung on that wall?”
Alex: “I don’t know I was looking at her tits.”
Suze: “Oh. Yes, look they are, all different shapes.”
Alex: “I’m still looking at her tits.”
And here’s the good bit, Suze wasn’t upset by this. Partly I think because she was eying up Nigella Lawson’s chest too. Mainly though because of the sort of conversation we have every time John Barrowman appears on TV.
Suze: “Are you sure he’s gay.”
Suze: “No really I mean …”
Alex: “He’s gay alright.”
Suze: “Not even bi-curious.”
Alex: “Look, he’s gay has a long term partner. I think they’re even married now. You haven’t got a chance.”
Suze: “I’d still have a go, just to see how he reacted.”
Alex: “Oh for the love of …”
I’m smiling now, at the thought of Suze trying to turn the guy straight. And if anyone can, Suze can. Even if it’s just for an hour … that’s all she’d need LOL.