A Post for “T”
I’ve had a couple of comments from an anonymous “T”.
“hey alex and suze, ive been reading your blog for a while now. i have never orgasmed. my bf and i are working on it, hehe. i find it a bit scary tho, cos i get pins and needles sort of feeling in my hands, then my neck and ears, and today across my stomach. do you think this is normal? have you heard of this b4?
thanks for any help.
T”
“hey, i recently lost my vriginirty to my bf of 3 weeks. it jsut sort of happened, i mean, i asked him to fuck me. we’ve done again since, but i dont enjoy it much, i feel used. he cums and i just get left with friction burns (maybe not that bad) and i havent orgasmed, which makes it worse.
anyway, great blog, keep up the good work.
T.
P.S. could you maybe reply…..?”
Well yes “T” here’s your reply. 🙂
Orgasms are different for everyone. From my experience I get different sensations depending on how the orgasm is attained (penetrative, G-spot only, clitoral and the sensation of squirting).
Not achieving orgasm at all is not uncommon but is definitely not in itself a sign of a problem with you physiologically, emotionally or mentally. Nor is it indicative of a problem with your boyfriend or the relationship you have. Often these things take time to come right and a relationship is based on more than sex.
What does occur to me is that the more you worry about not achieving orgasm, the less likely you are to have one, as these sort of feeling are guaranteed to detract from the “moment”. It could be that your “pins and needles” are actually the beginning of an orgasm for you. But if you are tense about your love making with your bf it could be that the sensation is actually caused by worry. Tingling in the extremities can be an indicator of stress.
If you are not achieving orgasm you could try different positions, extended and varied foreplay and for the dryness use lubrication (water based, particularly if you’re using condoms for contraception). If your bf is unaware or unreceptive to you concerns, perhaps you could introduce the variety and play as an enhancement for him. The longer he waits before he cums the more intense his orgasm can be (according to Alex). Getting lubed and licked is something that both sexes enjoy and I’ve yet to find a man who objected to that sort of action, lol.
If you want my opinion on any of the above or any other issues, in total confidence, email me suze@alexsuze.com.
But I think a disclaimer is required here, both for me and the Web as a whole. The views above are just that, based on my experience and my understanding of your questions. If you are really concerned about the situation with your bf, talk to a good friend, family if you feel able, or for a professional and genuinely informed opinion, your family doctor.
The Internet is full of views and “information”, much of it misleading and often deliberately incorrect, so be very wary of seeking advice via search engines and sites that claim to offer help. They may have an agenda, commercial or otherwise.
Suze
Let me throw in a few unsolicited elaborations, T (and Suze).
Though we are conditioned to believe that, when new lovers first have sex, bells ring and angels sing, that’s not normally the case. Often the first session is awkward and not fulfilling. Lovers need to build trust and confidence in each other so that they can relax and enjoy the sensations of lovemaking, and that takes time–and trial and error.
If you are tense because you don’t fully trust your man yet, or you are anxious about your own performance, it will be difficult for you to respond physically. This is especially true, I think, for women who are relatively inexperienced at sex and have not entertained a variety of lovers with differing likes, desires and techniques.
Young, inexperienced men tend to be focused on fucking, getting their rocks off, without thinking about what the woman needs in order to enjoy the experience. They seem to assume that, because they enjoy just shoving their cocks in a pussy, the woman will like it too. Not the case! You’ll need to show your lover what you need: a back massage, gentle (or harsh) sucking of your breasts, cunnilingus, maybe all of the above. A good couples video with lots of foreplay may give him a clue!
You also need to learn about yourself. What makes you excited? What makes you feel good? Do you have special techniques that work for you when you masturbate? Tell your lover about them. If he can put two and two together, he can replicate them and send you on your way.
Best of luck to you, T! Hope you find fulfillment soon!
I LOVE THIS PLACE! not only is it fun and entertaining but also honest and informative. I tell people all the time….. TALK TO YOUR PARTNER! If your unsure where to start a good sex book or mild porn can help… my personal favorite The Guide to Getting It On by Goofy Foot press. Only thing else to add to have fun and laugh lots, there is much about sexuality that is amusing. and dont worry about your body if he’s interesting enough to get intimate with you he is not looking at your minor imperfections. Confidence and comfort I think is key to exceptional sex. The one thing I learned from the internet….people’s difference sizes and shapes. I love looking at real people. HNT! WOOHOO!
Great post Suze I would have said about the same thing.
Very good advice, and also very responsible to include that disclaimer about it being your view and opinion.
Very classy.
bwaahhahaha…suze, sorry you look so damn good in those reading glasses, I just went and put mine on to feel special too.
That WAS a great post suze, Now, find me a man before I come to the motherland looking for a gent.
You can start scouting for me.
Sounds like some great advice Suze. As is Cherrie’s.
OMG suze (and others) thanks so much for replying, i really appreciate it! i feel a bit better about it all now. the other night my bf and i were fooling around, and he was fingering me, and it was really good but no pins and needles, so that was a bit different, same sort of general feelings tho.
yeah, so thanks again for the advice. ill let you know if i cum! lol
have a good one!!!
T xoxo