A Sex Blog by Alex and Suzanne.

‘The Journey’ Articles

Bizarre Fetishes?

Written by Alex on 09 January 2008

AlexSuze.com It may be a question of semantics to some, but to others the use of the wrong term to describe a place, thing, person or activity can be irritating, embarrassing or even offensive. It’s more likely to be the case if what you’re trying to describe is very personal to someone.

Take homosexuality. Gay or straight seems acceptable enough to most people, but what about other terms? Bender, poof, queen, dyke? For many these terms (and some of the more obviously hostile ones) are pejorative and carry various baggage which means their use is avoided by many people. It makes it difficult to know what phrases to use without becoming painfully politically correct and becoming self-conscious about something that you are totally accepting of.

To make matters more complex members of a particular group may use a term about themselves, but be offended if someone outside the group uses it to refer to them. Again this is because some words have historically been used in a negative sense against certain social, religious, ethnic or sexually orientated groups within our society.

The title of this post is the phrase that got me thinking about this today. It’s a genre heading you often see on porn sites. Is the word “bizarre” not in itself derisory of the practice lurking behind the link? Bizarre can indicate something to be gawked at, sniggered about or regarded as degenerate in some way. Who makes that judgement?

I was mooching around last night on You Tube and found this video. What struck me was not the content itself but the small minded comments attached to it. The subject of the video has obviously got an inflatable fetish, Suze has written about this before and had a great contribution from and inflatable enthusiast to her series “The Journey”.

My rules of acceptability with regard to any human activity is that if all involved are able to give informed consent and nobody is harmed by the activity, then it’s fine by me. It’s the BDSM credo of safe, sane and consentual. Others, apparently, are not so accepting.

Tags: fetish, bizarre fetish, semantics, inflatable fetish, looner, looners

Posted in Fetish, The Journey | 1 Comment »

Ambiguous Borderlands (the paradox of masochism)

Written by Suze on 22 April 2007

Thanks again to Mistress 160 and Solipsist for this, the final part of their splendid contribution to The Journey.

Ambiguous borderlands (the paradox of masochism)

BY: Mistress 160 and Solipsist

PART 2

What is Pain Like for the Masochist?
1. It just plain hurts. Battered nerve endings waiting for cessation.
2. Delicious: imagine your lover’s fingernails moving across your back, finding an ambiguous borderland where gentlest agony mixes with erotic delight.
3. Sometimes my mind has departed for parts unknown I think. Sadly I depend on Alexandra’s memory not my own.
4. You fill in the blanks
(Richard Evans Lee)

In Part 1 of “Ambiguous borderlands” my husband Solipsist documented the history of his submissive and masochistic needs. In Part 2 he discusses how we moved as a couple from theoretic to real time masochistic exploration, and how masochists experience pain.

“For some time after Mistress160 and I married, my masochism remained theoretical. We played with mild pain as an adjunct to sex, but my fantasies resolved around severe pain. I had daydreams of being caned with strokes so hard that it was a struggle to stand still, and after each stroke I would have to say “thank you Mistress, may I please have another”, while she tried to make them so painful that I couldn’t speak, and would have to have repeat strokes.

“It was only on my 40^th birthday that we finally embraced this side of my sexuality, and she spanked, whipped and caned me, leaving bruises that lasted for days. How it is that a fantasy I had nurtured for over 30 years but never come close to experiencing turned out to be just as good as I imagined I will never know. All I know is that it was”.

I know that many people are interested in how masochists perceive pain, so I asked Solipsist to comment on this. He wrote:

“Some people describe masochists as experiencing certain types of pain as pleasure – as though the nerves are somehow wired to different centres in their brain. It’s not so for me. The pain is just pain. I feel the stroke of a cane much as I would imagine anyone else does, I just happen to like that pain in that context administered by someone who cares. Psychologically I like the fact that I am submitting willingly to being hurt, and it’s hard to do if I don’t feel I am submitting. There are times when I would like to have a session, but can’t bring myself to ask, because if I have asked for it, it’s somehow not as satisfying.

“Pain on the ‘sweet spot’ of my ass is ‘good pain’, and when a flogger or cane strays outside that area, for example if it ‘wraps’ around to the side it quickly becomes intolerable. But a well chosen word from Mistress (‘Did I wrap ? Oh dear. Don’t you dare move, let me see if I can do it again’, or laughingly “that got your attention!’) can snap me back into a space where even the ‘bad’ pain can be enjoyed.

“Another often touted explanation is that masochists are endorphin junkies – I certainly get enjoy the endorphin high that some sessions produce, but I also enjoy sessions that don’t get that far.

“I have occasionally likened the start of a session with beginning a rock climb. If you have ever led a free climb, you will be familiar with a surge of fear and excitement that comes when you start a climb, particularly one that is poorly protected. You think ‘I can’t do this’, ‘Why do I put myself through it’, but you push yourself, concentrate on the technique, and when you reach the top you look back at how exhilarating it was”.

Sol and I know that masochism is a difficult subject, that for many in the vanilla world the line between it and abuse seems a thin one. So it’s worth our repeating that BDSM activities only ever take place between consenting adults, and recalling for you once again the wise conclusions of Havelock Ellis who in Studies in the Psychology of Sex noted that the sadomasochist generally desires that the pain be inflicted or received not in abuse, but in love. And there is extraordinary love between Solipsist and myself. How could I deny such an important part of him? After each session with him I remember the words of Raven Kaldera who asked of those who reject SM:

Look into our eyes. When we return with those bruises, do we walk taller and stronger? When we touch our cuts, are we more serene? When we give up our power, do we grow more sure of ourselves? When we accept power over another, do we learn more compassion? Do we return from the Underworld better for the journey? That’s how you know, those of you who are worried, whether we’re doing it right.

REFERENCES:

Raven Kaldera as cited by lili The Spirituality of Sado-Masochism (excerpt) 2005

Ambiguous Borderlands (the paradox of masochism)

Written by Suze on 20 April 2007

I’m delighted to be bringing you this pair of posts as the latest in my regular series ”The Journey”. Last month brought insight into Mistress160′s view of her relationship with her husband Solipsist. This month we gain an insight into Sol’s perspective.

Ambiguous Borderlands (the paradox of masochism)

BY: Mistress 160 and Solipsist

PART 1:

Masochist: “Hurt me!!”
Sadist: “No!”
(Mistress160′s favourite SM joke)

My article “A D/s Life: Becoming” a few weeks ago explored how I became dominant , triggered by my husband Solipsist’s submissive and masochistic needs. In “Ambiguous borderlands” Solipsist presents his own account of becoming aware of those needs.

True masochism, as Richard Evans Lee points out, is not an easy thing to live with : “many people seem to misunderstand masochism. I need the agony and misery. But that doesn’t mean that I enjoy it in the same way I enjoy good music, prose or a fine meal. It is the ultimate oxymoronic experience: wanting it, hating it – at the same time”.

What does the term actually mean? Wikipedia states:

“Sadism is the sexual or social pleasure or gratification in the infliction of pain and suffering upon another person. [It's] counterpart is masochism, the sexual pleasure or gratification of having pain or suffering inflicted upon the self, often consisting of sexual fantasies or urges for being beaten, humiliated, bound, tortured, or otherwise made to suffer, either as an enhancement to or a substitute for sexual pleasure. The name is derived from the name of the 19th century author Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, known for his novel Venus in Furs that dealt with highly masochistic themes…
Havelock Ellis, in Studies in the Psychology of Sex, argued that there is no clear distinction between the aspects of sadism and masochism, and that they may be regarded as complementary emotional states. He also made the important point that sadomasochism is concerned only with pain in regard to sexual pleasure, and not in regard to cruelty, as Sigmund Freud had [earlier] suggested. In other words, the sadomasochist generally desires that the pain be inflicted or received in love, not in abuse, for the pleasure of either one or both participants.The term BDSM describes the quite common activities between consenting adults that contain sadistic and masochistic elements …. [a] masochist in consensual BDSM is someone who enjoys the experience of pain in a particular context and, usually, according to a certain scripted and mutually agreed upon “scene.” These “masochists” do not typically enjoy pain in other scenarios, such as accidental injury.”

How does this impact on the individual in real life? How does one discover one’s masochism, and come to express it? Here Solipsist picks up his own story:

“I’ve always been kinky. In fact I was kinky long before sex ever came into the picture. I won’t dwell on this stage of my development too much because I know it can be a potential minefield. If at age 5 you have fantasies about being made to undress in front of a room full of people, is this a sexual fantasy ? What if by a couple of years later you have constructed a whole fantasy world that you use to entertain yourself for half an hour or so before going to sleep almost every night? By the time I was seven, the fantasies included pretty girls that I used to admire from a distance at school, and were including serious pain.

“So you see I’ve always been a masochist.

“For most of my life this was only in theory. Many people’s accounts of their early years talk about how they were spanked as a child or as a teenager and this gave them early erotic associations. I didn’t. I vaguely recall being smacked on the back of my thigh by my parents once when I was about 3, but that was it. If my parents were annoyed with me I would get a cross look and a telling off, like parents these days are supposed to do. So no childhood CP to start me off.

“I learned to masturbate when I was 12. It was as though a missing connection had been made and the masochistic, submissive fantasies that I had always had suddenly had a real purpose – they weren’t just fantasies, they suddenly became sexual fantasies.

“I lost my virginity when I was 19, after my first year of university. While I knew instinctively that I was going to be sexually adventurous (when I finally managed to pluck up the courage to ask a girl to have sex), I assumed that my fantasies were always going to be private and would never play a part in my sex life. That somehow they were an adolescent ‘phase’ that I was going to leave behind or be ‘cured’ of once I started having ‘real’ sex. But of course they weren’t.

“So when a few months later my next girlfriend and I were lying silently together in post-coital bliss, she asked me ‘what are you thinking’, and I was stumped. My mind had drifted back to my masochistic fantasy world and I could hardly tell her about THAT. Or so I thought. A few months later we became close enough that I could actually start to share my fantasies with her, and via Penthouse Variations magazine, she started to show me that there were other people like me out there, and that people actually played out their fantasies in real life.

“For several years, we used this shared understanding in our sex life by sharing fantasies as we made love. We played a little bit with a dominant/submissive dynamic, and a little with pain. I have very sensitive nipples, and she would tease me by flicking a fingernail across the tip of my nipple, and gradually get harder till she was scratching, gouging and pinching occasionally to the point of breaking the skin.

“And other times we would play with a D/S dynamic. One moment I remember vividly was where she and I and several friends were relaxing together, and I and a male friend were going out for a couple of hours. My cigarettes were on her side of the table and I reached over to pick them up. She picked up the packet, to pass them to me, I thought, but she just put them in her lap. I asked “can I have my cigarettes”, and she just looked at me with an expression that I couldn’t decipher at the time, and said “no”. Our eyes met, and she held my gaze, as my mind raced. Do I say “please ?” Do I reach over and take them anyway ? Or will she just hand them over. But I looked into her eyes, and the act of submitting to her for no real reason in front of a group of our friends gave me a great erotic rush. So I let her have her way, and left.

“What else could I do then, but marry her ?”

In Part 2 solipsist reveals how he and Mistress160 moved from theoretic to real time masochistic exploration, and explores the question of how masochists experience pain.

REFERENCES:
Havelock Ellis, Studies in the Psychology of Sex
Richard Evans Lee How does a Masochist Capture the love and hate of pain – Masochism: an oxymoronic experience DownOnMyKnees.com 30 March 2005
www.Mistress160.blogspot.com
http://ms160s-solipsist.blogspot.com/

Thank you:
the title of this article is drawn from
Richard Evans Lee’s
What is Pain Like for the Masochist?
DownOnMyKnees.com
25 April 2005

Posted in Articles, Fetish, Non-Fiction, The Journey | 3 Comments »

Becoming by Mistress 160 (Part 2)

Written by Suze on 21 March 2007

This is the second part of “Becoming” by Mistress 160 which began on Monday. Enjoy.

Part 2: Becoming Mistress160:

So I began – we BOTH began – reading up on everything. Book after book came into our home on how to become dominant, the psychology of D/s, power exchange, how to use a flogger, types of fetish, etc. A weekend attending Fetish Diva Midori’s workshops resulted in a major confidence boost and the birth of my Domme identity / style. I then took my new persona online and began establishing an online identity at several BDSM sites. I also began to work on practical skills such as corporal punishment, attending several flogging workshops and even requesting advanced caning lessons from the Madam of an internationally acclaimed BDSM establishment.

At home we created our own “seminars” – basically a series of practice sessions on specific subjects such as bondage, hot wax, CBT, etc – which proved extremely successful because they provided a real time play environment without pressure (for example I could ask how sol felt without shattering a mood, utilizing a feedback system of 1 to 10). They also provided an unexpected glimmer into what might be in store: sol will never forget the moment I first tied him to the bed during a seminar on hot wax – the moment that fourth clip went into place and he found himself firmly tied, he experienced incredible sub lurch (where the pit of your stomach drops)!

Sol When we felt confident to begin real scenes we were lucky to have access to a friend’s very private cabin, which gave us over 100 acres of complete privacy. The hour long drive to the cabin, and the fact that it became the place we played, also helped us psychological make the transition from “normal” life to BDSM play time. There was room to use floggers and cats, lots of room outdoors for pet play – for everything, really. We’d arrive, set up our toys, strip off our clothes (and sometimes put sol in his French Maid outfit), and then relax. We discovered it was best to wait 24 hours to play: by then we were both in the perfect headspace for whatever I had planned. Next day sol would serve breakfast and prepare dinner (so that we didn’t have to cook after playing), I’d have a long bath and late afternoon we’d begin… the resulting games are documented on my blog.

While scenes are central for many kinksters, for us (like other D/s couples) they are simply the icing on the cake; the majority of our D/s relationship takes place in our daily lives. Sol – who is tattooed with my signature – is truly happiest kneeling at my feet, undertaking domestic duties, dying of embarrassment when ordered to wear my lingerie or undergo puppy training, or sneaking home from work for half an hour for a quick intense caning (which as a masochist he adores, and always takes photos of his marks). But we can equally be found enjoying what others define as “normal life”: weekends away, or weekends in bed curled up together reading, with our cats, or making love tenderly. Holding hands in the cinema. Visiting friends. Doing boring jobs like bill paying. Just living life.

Sol Our happiness and closeness are often commented upon by family and friends. We sincerely believe BDSM and D/s has brought us closer together – and importantly kept us together (something a recent psychological study on kinky relationships has confirmed – see “Power and Love: Sadomasochistic Practices in Long-Term Committed Relationships” in Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality, Volume 9, Nov. 23, 2006). Ms Alice was 100% right when she wrote: “a Mistress/slave couple gives much more to each other than a married couple gives. The responsibilities, the obligations, the demands, the rewards and the intimacy are in such a high level that conventional people can definitely not comprehend”.

Our relationship has also helped others to come to terms with their own D/s natures. I now mentor subs – usually couples new to BDSM or with a vanilla partner struggling to understand their kinky lover’s needs. I set up my blog late in 2006 partly to provide a space that would be user friendly for newbies, and was delighted when a reviewer recently wrote: “if I was to direct any novice to a BDSM blog, I’d direct them to … Mistress 160′s Abode [which] offers education, sensuality, testimonials (from subs) and a wide array of resources that’s suitable for everyone interested in BDSM (from connoisseur to novice)”. I also began administering and moderating a variety of kink friendly forums and groups, many with an educational component (list below). People sometimes ask what I recommend to other women interested in starting down this road. That’s easy: “communication, communication, never stop reading or practicing … and more communication!”

So, what turns me on about being a Domme? The power exchange that brings confident, successful men and women to my feet. My ability to keep them there. The satisfaction of giving people I love something they greatly desire. And then there are the more specific turn ons of experience that I list on my various profiles:

The sight of a well trained sub, kneeling, waiting…
Of perfectly symmetrical cane cuts…
Planning complex scenes for my subs…
Writing them up in my blog afterwards…
The deep warmth of well spanked buttocks…
The little whimper solipsist makes after being gently humiliated…
My scarlet suede boots (and what I do with their heels)…
Extending the moment before I strike with a cane or flogger….
The way my online sub bimbo used the word BLUSH in chat / play…
Clover clamps pulled tight on nipples, their chain taut in my fingers…
Judging sub cam contests and edging competitions…
Running my fingertips over raised welts…
Watching solipsist take off his garter belt and stockings…
Smooth, hairless balls in a ball stretcher…
The moment after the drop of wax falls from the candle, before it lands on skin…
And the scent of the perfume I only wear for play (Chanel’s Cuir de Russie)…

This is the secret essence of what I have become … and sol’s and my journey has only just begun…

References:
Dark Scribe Review – Mistress160′s Abode 3 March 2007 (http://www.adultbloghub.com/darkscribe/)
Fetish Diva Midori Art of Feminine Dominance Workshops I + II (http://www.fhp-inc.com/site/classesdetail.php?id=1)
Fetish Diva Midori Thoughtful erotic education for adventurous adults (http://www.fhp-inc.com/site/classes.php)
Mistress160′s Abode (www.Mistress160.blogspot.com)
Ms Alice “Dominants and.. (dominants)…” 7 March 2007 Narrations of My D/S Lifestyle (http://www.exploringtheds.blogspot.com/)
“Power and Love: Sadomasochistic Practices in Long-Term Committed Relationships” Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality, Volume 9, Nov. 23, 2006 (http://www.ejhs.org/volume9/Hoff-5.htm)

Mistress160′s groups and forums:
www.groups.yahoo.com/group/FemSubStartingPlace (for new female subs)
www.Fetishlore.com
www.Freaks4fetish.com
Kinky Style @ www.MyDungeonSpace.com
Forced Feminization @ www.MyDungeonSpace.com

Tags: The Journey, Mistress 160, D/s, BDSM, masochism, submission, dominance, solipsism, dominatrix, domme, sadomasochism, forced feminization, kink, kinky, sexuality, power exchange

Posted in Articles, Non-Fiction, The Journey | 10 Comments »

Becoming by Mistress 160

Written by Suze on 19 March 2007

Mistress 160 and Sol This post and the second part ”Becoming Mistress160″, which will follow on Wednesday, were written by Mistress 160. They form part of my occasional series, “The Journey”, where I attempt to explore different and unusual aspects of sexuality. I hope you’ll enjoy reading Mistress 160′s work as much as I do.

A D/s life story in two parts:

Part 1: Becoming Dominant

Suze writes “As a novice I would like to know what turns you on about being a Domme … how did you get into BDSM? I assume that BDSM is as natural to you as vanilla is to most other people and that’s what I want you to express in your own words”.

I should have written back and said “it was never so easy, I am not what you think” but perhaps that really doesn’t matter. So let’s start with Suze’s second question, and finish with her first…

In the “real world” my husband solipsist is a senior IT contractor and I am a professional curator / anthropologist, with between us several academic degrees. But in our secret world – what for us is the “real world” – he is my submissive; happiest kneeling naked at my feet. I am the dominant part of our D/s relationship. That relationship is central to our world. In this alternate reality I have an online presence as an experienced Mistress who (amongst other things) runs several kinky forums and groups, holds online erotic humiliation cam contests and has an artistic touch with CBT. I am as proud of a good review of my BDSM blog as I am of a critical review of my academic publications….

So, how did this come about? Have I always been into BDSM? That’s easy to answer for solipsist, who was born a masochist and has dreamed of submission since the age of 5. Society however exacted a high price for his difference; by the time I met him aged 18 he thought he was doomed to be a lonely pervert for the rest of his life. I introduced him to my collection of Variations magazines and watched him blossom as he began to realize other people shared his interests and that if he re-aligned his fantasies towards real life situations, he might even have an opportunity to fulfil them. But due to miscommunication and a lack of confidence on my side, I assumed he did not want me to be a part of this. I believed he desired the typical latex clad dominatrix whip wielding fantasy, an image I found too extreme and disconcerting…

To be brutally honest it took sol and I a damn sight longer than it should to work through these misconceptions. It took years. Other things got in the way. Like life: we both had successful careers, we travelled a great deal. But BDSM was always with us in some form, whether via the publications we acquired and read, the rare Madame journals sol collected, the experiments we tried with subspace (right from the start, any order simply to stay still while I touched him would send him under), my control of his orgasms for the last ten years, and of course his continuing D/s fantasies. But as he grew older it became clear that both his masochist and D/s desires needed to be met. I greatly feared this, assuming not only that this would bring another person (presumably a professional Domme) into our marriage but that I would be left behind, unable to share his BDSM explorations. On the other hand it broke my heart to see a vital part of him denied expression. Finally, seeing him so unhappy, I agreed he could go ahead, although at the time I was not sure our marriage would survive. You can imagine my amazement and relief when he finally clarified what he desired: BDSM and a D/s relationship, yes, but not with a stranger. With ME…

Thus after over a decade of kinky “foreplay” we finally embarked on our journey into D/s, a relationship once described by Ms Alice on her blog Narrations of My D/S Lifestyle as “a very serious and absolute ideology … not a game [or a] a joke [nor] transient [but] a deep belief and a major commitment … a vow … even more binding than marriage”…

Tags: The Journey, Mistress 160, D/s, BDSM, masochism, submission, dominance, solipsism, dominatrix, domme, sadomasochism, forced feminization, kink, kinky, sexuality, power exchange

Posted in Articles, Non-Fiction, The Journey | 7 Comments »

The Journey #1

Written by Suze on 20 February 2007

I set out a few months ago to give a real voice to some of the sexual fetishes and predilections out there. Some manifestations of sexuality are very well represented both in commercial sites and amateur blogs. Others, like the incorporation of inflatables into sexual play are a hardly ever talked about.

I have talked about “Looners” before, but from the standpoint of an outsider. The piece below was not written by me, but by a man whose affinity with inflatables could not be expressed better than in his own words. He does not use the term “Looner” in relations to himself, and I can relate to that, each of us has certain sexual leanings and to create a label for any individual or group is a little too easy and misguiding. I hope you enjoy this guest post by “Infl8orama”:

I have heard that fetishes and kinks come from powerful childhood memories (usually positive, surprisingly enough). My experience with my fetish for inflatables feels consistent with that idea.

Living in Florida most of my life, we were never far from a beach or a swimming pool. As such, we always had inflatables, especially beach balls and pool floats, in the house somewhere. I wasn’t very old before I realized how good it felt to inflate, hug, and bounce on them.

The first “dry” orgasm I remember, however, did come from a mylar
balloon when I was 7 or 8, but most of the time, whenever I found myself alone with a vinyl inflatable, I would take it for a ride. By the time puberty arrived, I knew what was happening when I rubbed against my toys, even if I felt a little guilty about it.

As I grew older, I began to fear that I was the only person who felt the way I do about inflatables; certainly I was the only one who could get an erection just by touching or looking at a pool floatâ€”especially if a woman was inflating it or sitting on it.

Then came the Internet, and suddenly I realized that I was not alone,
and that what I had was just a fetishâ€”as simple as the fetish some have for rubber, certain fabrics, feet, or what have you. Moreover, I realized that as fetishes go, mine is a surprisingly clean and harmless one. My toys are easy to clean, and playing with them doesn’t hurt me or anyone else.

As to what turns me on about inflatables, I think it’s a number of
factors. Certainly the shape and feel of the toys against my body (not just my penis, but that’s certainly a good feeling); the way inflatables grow as you blow or pump them up; the way women look while they’re inflating them; and their inherent vulnerability (a bit like virginity) are all major aspects of my appreciation and enjoyment.

I never brought up inflatables in my relationships with women until my last girlfriend. Something about our chemistry together made me feel as if I could bring up my kink with her…and my hunch proved correct. We have been married for five years! She is very supportive, and as long as I don’t insist on it, enjoys bringing aspects of my love of blow-up toys into our sex life. The main reason we were able to incorporate my fetish into our bedtime play is that I make it clear that she is still my partner, and therefore still the most important part of the relationship. We talk and listen freely in bed, and that has made all the difference.
Infl8orama

If you have an aspect of sexuality that you feel is misunderstood or under-represented drop me an email suze@alexsuze.com. I’d love to work with you on an article about it, or as in this post give you an opportunity to express yourself here. What I want to do this to give everyone a chance to express themselves, even if, like Infl8orama, you don’t have a blog of your own.

Image Source: inflates.yiff.ru Please Note, AlexSuze.com is not reposnsible for the content of external websites. The site requires you to register but does not charge for the images it carries.

Tags: inflatables,inflatable fetish,poppers,looner,looners

Posted in Articles, Non-Fiction, The Journey | 12 Comments »

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