As long-time readers will know Suze and I are in a vanilla relationship. Like many vanilla couples we dabble in bondage and very mild domination, but it is the spice to our sex life, not the core of it. You’ll also be aware that we are open to any form of consensual sexual practice so often read gay, lesbian, TV, BDSM, D/s and sites of all flavours attempting to understand why others choose to follow paths that differ from our own.
So today while I was washing-up after dinner I started to consider what it means to be in a relationship that is based around a master slave relationship that extends beyond the bedroom.
Maid service is something that I’ve read about, heard of and seen depicted in images of dungeons and BDSM play. That’s not what I’m talking about, though it may be related and if so I’d be grateful if a practitioner would enlighten me as to their personal views on this. What I found myself wondering about is the dynamic of relationships where one partner is apparently submissive in every aspect of their daily lives.
This is where the washing-up came in. To me tidying up is a very good stress reliever. In contrast to most adolescents I used to want to tidy up, especially during times of teenage angst. It made me feel better and in control of my environment. Perversely there were also times when my room was a complete mess and anyone entering it would have thought I’d just been burgled. However tidying up was a way of exerting my influence over the physical world around me and regaining my composure without having to think through a problem that might be perplexing me. Being too close to a problem, feeling hurt or betrayed and all this probably fuelled by a huge overdose of male hormones often meant that feeling that I had overcome the initial anxiety without recourse to lengthy and often inconclusive intellectualisation of a situation was the best possible solution.
That makes me sound OCD doesn’t it? Well I’m not. I can be as disorganised and lacking in structure as anyone else. What I did begin to conceive, rightly or wrongly is that in some instances at least an apparently submissive partner, attentive to their dominant counterpart’s every need, might actually be the one applying the greatest control.
I’ve often heard it expressed that the submissive partner relinquishes control of their destiny to the Master or Mistress in the sure and certain knowledge that the dominant partner will not abuse that trust. Whatever they (the Dom) subject the sub to they will always exercise a level of self control sufficient to take the sub and themselves to the headspace they both desire without permanent harm to either of them.
Without that trust no relationship can work and in a relationship based on exploring the boundaries of experience total, unquestionable trust has to be its foundation. That said, consider this. In a situation where a Dom orders a slave to carry out a task, be that a specific duty, or general service around the home is it not in a strange way the submissive partner who assumes control. It may be their desire to serve, yet by serving and ensuring by whatever means necessary the dominant partner’s orders are carried out diligently the sub is in a way exercising total control. Control and discipline of both themselves as sub, but ultimately of their master/mistress by fulfilling the dominant partner’s raison detre?