Discomfort Zone
I went into a shop today and immediately felt that something wasn’t quite right. The problem? I was on my own. I’ve spent the last week and a half in the company of Suze, 24 hours-a-day. Not having her there is now unusual, uncomfortable even. We can’t afford to take long holidays normally so this 10 day break must have been the longest we’ve spent together in one go for a couple of years.
Getting up to a dark, damp, windy morning was bad enough, but I had my mind on work, I had a purpose. Even if I didn’t want to be at work my mind was occupied.
But I popped out at lunch to exchange that bloody awful DVD I wrote about yesterday. It was walking into the sex shop that I felt the disconcerting feeling that all was not right with the world. Strange isn’t it. For many (predominantly men I would suggest) visiting a sex shop is a solitary, often furtive activity. Even in what we like to think of as these enlightened times it’s not something that most people advertise.
There’s nothing to be ashamed of, it’s legal and fun to buy from such an establishment. So why did all the other customers seem quieter than me, heads down, not wanting to catch my eye? I don’t think I’m any different from them.
Anyway, the point is that Suze wasn’t there. It would have been the same in any shop. Curiously, if I had been in a supermarket I would have felt liberated by the solo shopping experience. I am a believer that shopping is a necessary evil and not a hobby, as some of the opposite sex would have you believe. Suze is not “one of those” women, she’s reasonably efficient when it comes to shopping, but I still find myself becoming tired of staring at row after row of very, very similar items, comparing prices in shop after shop before returning to the outlet in which we first saw the item to buy it. So shopping without Suze is usually rather liberating.
A quick sprint in, brisk walk around the floor for swift product selection, then off to the cash desk.
Conversely I suspect that many of the customers of the sex shop would be at best inhibited and at worst prevented from shopping if their spouse were there.
So how did I feel. Well lost actually. We always choose our DVD purchases together, so without Suze there I really struggled to pick something. What I decided on was a DVD from an outfit I’d never seen before with porn stars whose names were unfamiliar to me. At least that way I was sure of a surprise. Good I hope, and I’ll let you know when we’ve watched it.
Considering it afterwards I must say I am berating myself for not making the most of the situation. I should have felt like a single guy indulging his secret, guilty thirst for sexual gratification via DVD. The next time I’m there alone I shall endeavour to do so.
I suppose you could extrapolate from this that because sex is something that we enjoy almost exclusively as a couple these days my feelings of discomfort are simply an extension of that. And you could be right.
In being so comfortable I have perhaps lost the ability to feel dirty and sordid about frequenting sex shops. That’s a pity because feeling slightly naughty about it, or at least ensuring that your patronage is a secret between you and the proprietor/counter staff used to be part of the thrill.
Packaging is a good example. The shop puts your purchase in an anonymous wrapper. Not quite a plain brown envelope, but a generic, unbranded paper bag available from any retail supplies merchant. I almost want a bag with the shop’s name on the side.
OK, so I have to concede that that might offend some people, so I bagged the DVD for return. As I was walking across the carpark I put the DVD in my inside overcoat pocket for practicality, so I could have two hands free while selecting the alternative title. As I was doing this I thought to myself “I hope anyone watching doesn’t think I’m trying to hide what I’m doing!”.
I’m not a fan of the throw-away sexuality that some people practice. I’m not talking about swinging, because successful swinging is not sleeping around. The same goes for polyamory where complex relationships can set it totally apart from most people’s experience of relationships, love and sex. No, I’m talking about sex that’s meaningless to the point where it has no more significance in the participants’ lives than bumming a cigarette from a friend.
I mention this because I see that in my working life and occasionally in the sex shop too. People who’s defence against having real and meaningful sex and sexual relationships is to act as boorishly as possible, seek out the most nauseating innuendo, jokes, porn (delete as applicable) and talk about that aspect of sexuality as if it liberates them and shows how open they are. Thankfully only a tiny minority of people actually take genuine pleasure in this sort of behaviour.
So why do so many act like this? To be accepted? To be popular? To show people they are sure about their orientation? To underline their virility? Maybe all of the aforementioned. But as a very good friend of ours pointed out recently, people tend to bang on about sex in inverse proportion to the amount they get. And that applies to specific sexual acts too. Oral sex, anal sex you name it I often think there’s a fashionable sex act that everyone within a certain peer group has to get lots of/be great at/have a partner who’s great at doing it to them.
By the way, none of the gentlemen in the shop today, and there were about eight of them, were like this. They were just the kind of patron who didn’t want to be noticed.
I’m sure many would disagree, but I feel that buying porn as we do does not exploit those people who produce it. It’s not like buying downloads from sinister sites on the Internet where no regulation is applied to who appears in the video stream or what they do to each other. It’s a product created because a demand exists. Consenting adults should be able to produce and consume porn in whatever form they like. If the participants are old enough to consent who has the right to stop them?
Legal porn is a legitimate product and serves a purpose. The devaluing of sex, human beings (men and women) and relationships is another matter and one that is a product of society, not the majority of legitimate porn producers.
Well, that started out as a quick post and ended up as a long one. Always the best way I find :).
It’s so sweet that you shop together. I’m a prude and make Mr. Sign go into the shops. It’s not that I feel porn is exploiting. I just haven’t become comfortable with letting other people know of my sexuality.
Ten days off! Together! The mischief you guys must have been into, after your visitors left. Good for you.
I do people watch when I go in, it’s like a natural activity for me. Curious about what people are into. Not that they want me to know! Still I observe. Since we live right downtown, there are all types of consumers. Some just quietly looking…Others just screaming their needs out of nervousness or to watch people’s reaction.
I’m the only one that walks into toy shops. DW, will go with friends, but has never set foot with me. There’s also no porn in the house. Re: DS.
But even before DS, we weren’t that keen on it. I may have grabbed a few off the net over the years, hidden in some corner of the house. There’s never an opportunity to watch it.
Only one thing really drew my attention in your post: the touching way you were talking about missing Suze. It was merely plain love. Not just the odd feeling of not having her on your side by habit.
I mean it
: )
Interesting perspectives! It’s true, in my experience, that those who are the biggest talkers are the least capable doers. Conversely, those who are confident and self-assured about their sexuality don’t need to talk about it . . . they have ample opportunities for love, and tend to be quite good at it!
Certainly films showing adults making love should be perfectly acceptable! And the actors are not exploited by the exposure (though we’ve read the stories about addicted performers forced to appear in X-rated films in order to score drugs from the producers–that’s evil!). Mainstream films that hint at sex between characters, or even that show nude embraces without displaying genitalia, are somewhat hypocritical. Hey, we know what the actors are supposed to be doing! Isn’t it more effective (at least most of the time) to show them doing it? (And while we’re at it, why can’t adult films have more believable plots and better screenplays?)
While I’m not an advocate of monogamy, I don’t thik meaningless sex with strangers is appropriate either. Sex is an act of love and intimacy. I need to know someone, like them, trust them and want them in my life before I will open up to them sexually. Sex should be special, and it can be only if the people you have sex with are special to you.
And if Suze were my primary lover, I’d never let her out of my sight!
When I shop for porn it always ends up like shopping for produce… I am always looking for the highest quality of a particular genre for the best price… but should it be something exotic I am willing to put out a few extra dollars
It’s odd, but may be related to the premises, most sex stores are restricted premises and are labelled as such, and this tends to exert an influence; people try to maintain their personal space, sex shifts to being a private pleasure even though the environment contradicts the privacy element (with sexual merchandise everywhere). At sex expos, where merchandise is spread over a larger surface area, and the event is more like a convention, the privacy issue is reduced, it’s like the event/venue has a different aura. I’ve noticed the difference, entering sex stores here in Sydney, that are quite small, and going to the Sydney Sexpo, which in comparison, is huge and doesn’t solely revolve around sex toys and porn (there are events on stage, like body moulding, dancers, fashion parades, pole dancing, there are bars etc).
Happy New Year!
Interesting post, Alex. Wife and I shop together, too, and we both like it that way.
You are so right about sex shops, though. I tend to go in with an attitude of this is the most normal thing in the world, even if I’m alone, but it is surprising how many people really look like they don’t want to be seen and virtually whisper to the staff (if they even speak at all) when making their purchase.
Very odd in this day and age.
I am still trying to get over being able to spend a week and half 24/7 with Suze…
I’m all for personal choice and despite there being good arguments against making buying porn DVDs over the Internet in the UK legal (proof of age for example). I think it would be better if that were allowed. At the moment you have to walk into a shop and go through what for some people must be a bit of a trial. You can buy toys and everything else over the Internet, but not DVDs. I know they’re a different kind of product but better legal and regulated than illicit purchases from non-UK regulated sites on the Internet.
The R18 classification sets certain standards and whilst most non-UK DVDs follow them anyway, some don’t. Plus try getting your money back from a DVD seller several time zones away.
Having spoken to Suze on a few occasions now I can understand your reluctance to be away from her side, she seems at the very least an extremely interesting person & very sexy, the mere thought of being able to spend 24 hours alone with her would be very exciting.
I digress sorry, regarding the sex shop I do tend to agree with you that this is something that there is no need to be ashamed of, but we still are (good old society) & I must say for this reason I personally don’t use them but prefer to buy it online.
Was this DVD any good???