Shag, Shandy, Shovel

The yearly circus that is Big Brother rolled into town last night. I can categorically say it’s the BB that I’ve noticed least.

The first was almost a genuine social experiment but the past couple of years have descended in to a bit of a farce as increasingly media aware contestants battle to find the perfect game-plan to win the £100k. And more importantly to grab the few minutes of fame before they are consigned to the Z-list and can’t even get a VIP pass at the local Macky-D, let alone an invite to the latest film premiere.

Because of the coverage that Channel 4 will be devoting to this televisual car crash it’s going to be difficult to avoid watching at least some of it. So how do I stand it. Well, I play a game.

Shag, shandy, shovel.

First of all who would I Iike to shag. Well last year it was Thalia Zucci, and she wasn’t even a real contestant! The shaggable contestants are few and far between and of course, due to my heterosexuality they are limited to only half the inhabitants of the house anyway. There’s usually one of two per year at most.

What about shandy? Well,,that’s who would I like o have a drink with, frequent the local pubs, and generally spend time with as a mate. Not much luck here in recent years either. Most contestants usually throw up a character defect or two that would make you think twice about unleashing their neuroses on the world by getting them drunk.

What’s left? Shovel, or, because this group now accounts for the majority of housemates I’d need a mechanical excavator. These are the people who I would love to bury, never to be seen again. Though as the lifespan of the fame bestowed by recent Big Brothers is so short in recent years BB itself is doing a bloody good job of ensuring they never see the light of day again anyway.

Tags: Big Brother, Thalia Zucci