Fiddle, Fuck, Faux Pas

Here’s a question from “Chris”, sent as an entry in our Birthday competition:

“Have I ever done anything during sex because a friend told me about it only to wind up looking like an idiot?”

The answer, amazingly, is no. It’s amazing because especially when you are young you have to take advice from whoever you come into contact with and teenage boys are not known for their wisdom and sexual knowledge. In an environment where everyone is trying to impress their friends and the opposite sex it is very difficult to work what advice and anecdotes are worth listening to and what should be rejected out of hand. In fact no, it’s virtually impossible to separate the facts from the complete bollox when teenagers talk about sex.

Teenage sexuality is based on hormones; Hormones and logic tend to be mutually exclusive so even if egos and bravado were not involved things would be difficult enough. Add to that personalities in a state of flux, the inevitable showing off and embarrassment that makes people too worried to question what seemingly knowledgeable (slightly) older kids are telling them and it’s like living in a very disturbing sexual fairytale.

Take this one example which I overheard on a bus one sunny afternoon when I was about thirteen. Two boys about my age were engaged in conversation about one of the boy’s older brothers and the antics with his girlfriend while their parents were out. The younger sibling had apparently heard his brother having sex with his girlfriend. Afterwards, when they had left, he decided to go in and investigate.

Now this is where fact turns to fiction or complete bullshit if you will. LOL He went on to say “ … I found this Biro and it had all red speckles on it … I think it was blood … he must have been using it as a dildo.”

Think about what he said.

“using [a biro] as a dildo” She must have been a very tight lady, a pussy so clenched that a smooth, hexagonal profiled plastic shaft gave her pleasure.

“I think it was blood” Where did he get the idea from that sex involved bleeding. Sounds like a mixture of half-understood sex education classes with playground talk to me.

There is no teenage boy who would need dildo when with their girlfriend. The occasional Mr Floppy caused by drink or nerves maybe but for the most part erections are a daily or sometimes hourly occurrence for the adolescent male. And if they did want to bring a dildo into the act it would only be while they recovered for the next session.

It’s rather sad to think that the younger brother thought that a girl had to bleed to have sex. I’m sure that misconception disappeared later in life. However it all goes to show that we could all have been that kid, and to a greater or lesser extent we all were.

Either I’ve had very understanding partners or been very lucky in that I haven’t dropped any huge adolescent bedroom clangers. My “reviews” have always been very good, though I was a bit disturbed when one partner scored me out of 10 … “Seven!”

I don’t speak for girls and how they are at school but it’s sad to say that some blokes retain a frightening lack of knowledge about sex into adulthood. Or perhaps more accurately retain the bravado and learn all their sexual techniques and behaviour from porn rather than by listening to their partner’s needs. Maybe that’s where the kid on the bus got his ideas about dildos and sex, having heard about or glimpsed part of a porn movie.

Actually there’s a point girls, what goes on when you talk about sex as a schoolgirl/teenager. Enquiring minds want to know.