Fingering Herself …

In my early career I worked in an all-male environment, a workshop to be precise. Not my first choice at it was cold, dirty and carried the ever-present danger of something heavy dropping on your head. However, needs must when the devil drives as they say.

I was always amused by the fact that some co-workers were prone to a little exaggeration when it came to describing their sex lives. By reputation they were the ones whose wife was in control of the household and them. The sort of silly situation where instead of correcting the male-biased imbalance within a relationship and creating a partnership they were controlling and oppressive.

The memory that just bubbled to the surface was when we where all in the canteen at snap time (snap=food for the uninitiated). One of the factually challenged members of the team was telling us a story about what had happened when he took the firm’s van out to a supplier that morning for a pickup.

We were all rolling our eyes and winking at each other expecting a standard “I fucked her and then her sister too” type of yarn when he surprised us with his sheer cheek. It went something like this.

“I pulled up at the loading dock and walked to the offices to get the paperwork. Well, as I was walking through the carpark I saw this bird in a BMW. She’d got the seat back and her eyes shut. So I walked past her car and she’s there with her skirt up, stockings and suspenders, no knickers on frigging herself off …”

The sniggers and muttered “Yeah, right!” didn’t put him off and he continued.

“She was there fingering herself. A right piece she was too. So she opens her eyes a gives me a smile, and I watched her for a bit …”

The rest of the tale was lost in a barrage of incisive condemnation of the perpetrator of the lie in the manner that only the vocabulary of the shop floor can achieve. For example “Fuck off you lying bastard”

So, what’s the most ridiculous sexual hyperbole you’ve ever heard/read?