Non-Fiction

Mail Order Brides

Alex

There’s a trend in this country, amongst a certain type of man, of a certain age, to seek out companionship in a certain way. A tiny number of women do it too but from what I have seen they form a tiny minority of the individuals involved in this activity.

I’m talking about Mail Order Brides. I’m not talking here about relationships that span cultures, nationalities or race, they are to be embraced. My best friend at Junior School was half Cambodian, his mother had been displaced while east and west fought ideological wars by proxy in the region in the 1960s.

I’m talking about middle aged to retirement aged men who have a bit of money in the bank and too much brash jewellery about their person. They tend to drive cars that are loud, both in terms of volume and styling. They have probably been married before and now as their hair lightens and thins, and the rest of their body heads south they seek to rejuvenate themselves, at least in their own eyes, and I suppose the eyes of their peers, by marrying a younger woman. The women tend to be from the Asia-Pacific region, though eastern Europe is now becoming a source of potential mates.

Again, this in itself is not a problem. If true feeling exists between two people involved in a relationship then age is pretty much irrelevant. There are certain practical issues whereby the life expectancy of one partner is way outside that of the other but then again who knows when our number is up? Fate could snatch us away at any time and it’s the time we spend together not the time we spend apart in a relationship that should matter.

I mean I’m guessing here at the motivation I suppose, because the whole idea of literally importing a human being from thousands of miles away from a country whose culture is different and language is alien is anathema to me. It smacks of human trafficking or even slave trading. No I’m not saying the women are treated like slaves or abused.

The argument in favour seems to be that the women (and they tend to be quite young women from the ones I’ve encountered) are willing participants in the trade. They send money back to their extended family and therefore gain from the deal. There it is you see, deal. It’s a commercial transaction not a relationship. While I can see that an impoverished family would benefit from the arrangement it’s based around a financial transaction. Do we regard this as an extended dowry? Is the girl a long-term-hire escort? Or is it a form of permanent prostitution.

I suppose after a time, when the females involved have learned English (while there is a range of language skills many have only the rudiments of English) and got to know the men they have committed to they may fall in love. That’s great, but being isolated by a language barrier and forced to rely on their new husband for communication and support means they are bound to stay with that man. Maybe they don’t feel like this but to me it looks like a prison of circumstance created by the arrangement they have chosen to become involved in.

I’d like to think, for the sake of the women involved that they are content, or as content as they have been conditioned to believe they can be. I just can’t see it though, am I too traditional in my attitude towards relationships? Apparently so. While writing this piece I found a US law firm which specialises in advising US citizens on obtaining a visa for their new bride, the senior partner is pictured on the website’s front page with a beautiful Thai woman in a western style wedding dress hanging off his arm.

14 thoughts on “Mail Order Brides”

  1. A couple of the girls I work with are Phillipino mail order brides. Both have been in Australia about a year now. One has been seperated from her husband for the last four months; the other is trying for a baby.

    I guess it’s like with Any relationship. Some work and some don’t.

    great post as usual Alex…

  2. Interesting idea, mail order brides. It does seem to be a relationship of deals for both of them. It reminds me of a time a lady offered her hand in marriage on eBay. When they pulled it, she switched over to a UK bidding site. Basically looking for a clean white husband, but she kept her money separate and pretty much their lives. It seemed… kind of formal to me. This reminds me this.

  3. Yeah, this has always concerned me. A marriage is hard enough, why would these men (and women) want to add the gaps of language and culture? Like the buffoon said, I guess some work and some don’t. Great post.

  4. Yeah… I agree with you..

    although we have a large amount of girls coming over from other countries and looking for a man.. still mail order is gay

  5. I agree that on the face of it, it does seem a bit unsavoury, but different strokes for different folks. There are all kinds of different bases for relationships in the world. I guess any kind of arranged marriage seems a bit odd to those of us raised on a diet of romantic fiction, but who’s to say what can work. (I don’t mean forced marriage, that is a different thing altogether and quite despicable). I wonder how many typical western marriages are really based on real romantic love anyway and not on some kind of financial/sexual/security/companionship trade-off, no matter how subconsciously. Interesting post!

  6. this is definitely an interesting topic. i have met a few people who have ordered their wife from whatever country of choice. My question is can these men, not find women here to have a relationship with? Why do they look elsewhere for brides? And, like someone else mentioned, bringing a foreign bride into the country and into your home is definitely much more difficult given the cultural and language differences. So, what is wrong with these men that they cannot find women here??? In my heart, I do hope that the women who do come into this country as a mail order bride do benefit in some way to make them happy….and I dont mean that in a monetarily way. Perhaps, love happens….one can wish?

  8. You raise a good point. I didn’t see it as a form of slavery. I think a woman who lives in poverty given the chance to move to a wealthy country with a comparatively rich western professional who must abandon her life in her native nation smacks of abusive power relations. Anyone who is blind to that is living a lie

  9. These women trade one hell for another, lesser hell. At least, I guess, that’s what they are hoping for. And for us, who live in relative prosperity, and have been raised with the idea that marriage should be based on romantic love, that’s hard to understand. But let’s look at other relationships for a moment, outside from love… the things we do to earn money in a normal 9 to 5 job are sometimes not much different. They may not involve sex, but I bet many of us have done or said things that we would not do or say were it not for money.

    What I don’t understand is the motivation of the men. What do they get? A maid and a prostitute in one neat package? If you ask me that’s a pretty low level to settle on.

  11. My next door neighbor from a few years ago divorced his wife after his grown son and daughter moved out and bought himself a mail order bride to replace her. Like many of the ones I know of in the U.S., she was Russian. A sweet, young blonde lady. She SO did not deserve to be legally tied to this asshole. But tied she was, and she vanished when they sold their five-bedroom house and moved somewhere else.

    I guess some women think being a bird in a gilded cage is better than pecking at seeds in a dirty gutter, but I am repulsed by any practice that smacks of slavery, and this one does to me.

  12. It’s a compromise a woman makes, and there are millions of women, not just from asia but from parts of Eastern Europe, as well as the Russian Federation, that are (and have been for many years, especially since the fall of the USSR) opting to be a concubine.

    I don’t know. I see it as more sane than working as an escort. Escort and sex work has been over glamorized, and these women, those who do marry one person (even if it’s a marriage of convenience), remain with the person and yes, they may have extra marital dalliances, but they don’t sit in a brothel waiting clients to paw them, or have to sleep with anything upward of ten men a week to earn a living, which I find more grotesque no matter how many (purportedly, I say that because I don’t believe that published prostitutes of the last year or so are prostitutes when they’re totally anonymous and only discuss the supposedly orgasmic side of prostitution) glamorous prostitutes go on and on.

    Like in Australia (as the general or mainstream cultures are similar) as in England, I think that there is an increasing fear of this practice, because there are many who still have issues with ‘foreigners’ or have a xenophobic outlook. There is still a climate of xenophobia in this country, and it’s something that the media loves to feed, just to maintain a colonial heritage or something. First, other europeans copped it, then the Asians (who migrated after Cambodia/Kampuchea, Vietnam, etc) copped it, then this was followed by the Lebanese (after the Civil war in Lebanon), now it’s the Middle Easterners who are copping it, and now that it’s all settling, it’s the mail order bride who originates from poorer parts of Asia.

    The most famous bride of convenience here in Australia has to be Rose Hancock Porteous; she started her life as a housemaid to a West Australian Iron Ore magnate, and ended up marrying him. She was how many years his junior, didn’t have any children with him, but managed to become (after he died) a wealthy woman. On the other hand, I think (especially in cases where people leave their wealth to their dog or cat after they die, which is insane when there are so many starving humans in this world) why not? Are they going to take the money with them?

    Every marriage in the royal family has been one of convenience, but it’s not a subject of debate, so I don’t really see how it’s a drama for any society, but some people make it a cultural issue.

  13. This trend is huge in the USA as well………and very complicated. Most often it’s a guy who cant connect, for whatever glitch, with women local……as local as the USA.

    It usually is a scam………Asian, Russian, Eastern Europe….young lass that is looking……your responsibility is to send money…spend money.

    If you get to the point of “arranged marriage”…..you are expected to sponser her family for citizenship……and dowery…so many head of goat…etc…

    For my take….I’d rather just stick to the time tested..”fall in love” approach..:)

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