Monthly Archives: April 2010

Suburban Porn Stars

Fur CoatWould you recognise a porn star if you met them in the street? I don’t mean one you have seen on camera, but a professional porn performer who simply passed you as you were walking to the supermarket.

I can think of several different performers, who I shall not name, all of whom fall into one of three categories. That is yes, no and undecided.

The majority of performers that I’ve actually met would blend into a crowd when not on a shoot. When not dressed in leather, PVC or other such porn uniforms they look just like everyone else. Boring maybe, but true. If you didn’t know who they were they’d walk right past you without you even giving them a second glance.

There are a couple that, because of their distinctive personalities you would have to ask the question – What do they do for a living?

But there is one performer who on every occasion I have met her has been wearing what I can only describe as her fuck-me clothes. She is incidentally one of the nicest people you’d wish to meet, but she is always in-character because I think the persona she has on-screen is her real life persona. Very honest and very British.

Most of us wear a mask when we present ourselves to other people so it’s refreshing that working in an industry that many people would sneer at and regard as sleazy she is simply herself.

And no, you’ll have to work out who it is because I’m a gentleman and I’m not letting on.

Now the next question is, would you recognise me or Suze?

More Censored Cleavage

Alexandra BurkeI seem to have started a bit of a quest here with my objections to the BBC’s One Show’s censorship policies.  Over the last few days I have been beating the drum for tasteful cleavage to be shown on our screens.

If you recall I was annoyed at Louise Minchin being told to cover up last week when she guest hosted the show whilst Christine Bleakley was off on holiday.  Then my objections were further fuelled by the airing of a topless fire eater being screened during prime time viewing over on ITV’s X Factor.

And to keep you updated on the situation.  Tonight X Factor winner of 2009 Alexandra Burke appeared on the show in the skimpiest pink dress complete with low cut neckline.  Lets put it this way I thing she was probably only wearing two items of clothing, if that. I mean panties may have been optional in such a clingy dress

Her unsupported cleavage was laid bare for all to see and Alex and I just turned to look at each other in disbelief wondering if the show had take a chill pill.  She was showing one hell of a lot more than Louise.

But our disbelief didn’t last for long because after the first feature on the show was aired and we returned to the studio Miss Burke was being filmed from rather more conservative angles.  No more close ups of those boobs, instead head and shoulder shots and careful sideways angles.

For heavens sake it’s 2010, you get to see more on a family package holiday abroad.  Lol

Insatiable Teenage Angels

Girls as they grow up spend lots of time wishing that they were older and larger in the boob department. And some are lucky enough to have their prayers answered and it may seem to teenagers like me that they have been just plain greedy, having been a 32AA cup size in to my late 20’s.

I did almost anything to enhance, no make my boobs look bigger although I did draw the line at padding out my bra with tissue. There were no chicken fillets to help you out back then. You had to rely on the bra manufacturers taking pity on you and providing oodles of padding.

Padding is good it makes you look much larger than your natural size and if you have added underwiring or scaffolding as some know it, all the better. And padding helps in cold weather too, it helps to keep you warm and stops your nipples from poking through your bra and looking like chapel hat pegs. Lol

As I read the other day underwiring can also save your life. A woman from Detroit had luck on her side when a burglars bullet bounced off her underwiring. She was looking at the house nextdoor which was being burgled when a bullet smashed though the window.

It was deflected off the underwiring and she avoided serious injury. So there you have it, good underwear can really save your life.

Which reminds me of Victorias Secrets…

Hard Nipples Hard Luck

NipplesIt looks really glorious outside but I’m stuck in here working. It would be lovely to slip out into the garden but with the bright sun blinding me and the cold wind turning to the north making it a little more chilly outside than appearances would indicate that is perhaps not such a great idea.

Imagine all those hard nipples.

Tit Wanks And Rubbing In His Cream

The weather takes it out of my skin at this time of year. Cold winds and indoor central heating all conspire to try and turn me in to a prune. I’ve never been one to pamper myself and rarely use moisturiser, I think mainly because all I want to do when I step out of the shower is to towel dry and get dressed.

Recently we reviewed a wonderful fragranced gift set with edible lotions and potions and one of my favourites from that set is the almond oil. You can rub it in and lick it straight off without fear of a tummy upset. And the perfume is to die for.

My love of almonds stems way back in to my childhood. On special occasions it used to be the fashion to have almond fruits on the dinner table. These were little oranges, lemons and various other fruits made of marzipan and painted with food colouring to make them look real.

I’m sure they must have been full of E numbers back then. No wonder I had so much energy as a child. Lol When I was old enough to shop by myself I would buy a block of marzipan and slice pieces off to eat. Then when I felt sick I would wrap it back up and place it in the fridge until the next time I fancied a piece.

So when we got the gift set to try it was only natural that my attentions should turn to the oil. When it heats the aroma infuses in the air and makes me feel aroused and vibrant, horny. 😉

I took a shower following work on Friday evening and asked Alex if he would rub some of the almond oil in to my back, it had been dry and itchy. Alex turned on the bedside lamp to provide a little ambient light and took the bottle of oil from his bedside drawer.

I took my hair back in to a ponytail and lay on my stomach. I heard the top being unscrewed and then I jumped as each cold drip made contact with my warm flesh. Alex can be such a tease, he would normally warm the oil between his hands. I yelped as each drop hit and promised to get my revenge later.

His hands started to glide all over my back and up to my shoulders kneading as they went. I could feel the tension being released from me as his hands went to work. The essence of the oil and my state of complete relaxation pushed me towards arousal. I could feel it enveloping me.

“Roll over Suze”, instructed Alex and I rolled on to my stomach. Alex gave me a wry smile as his gaze fixed upon my two fleshy mounds. My nipples were hard and erect and he gave each in turn a kiss and a quick bite. I giggled.

This time he poured the oil on to his palm and rubbed his hands together before placing them on to my breasts. My breasts were now glistening in the light from the lamp. He ran his hands up my sternum, out over my shoulders and then down on to my breasts. Alex started to roll them in the oil, massaging and kneading gently.

It felt so good as he tweaked my nipples making them stand proud and firm. He was now kneeling to the side of me in his boxer shorts and the lycra wasn’t hiding anything from me. He was hard inside there.

As he continued to massage my breasts I slipped his cock out of the top of his shorts. He was starting to dribble, a small bead of cum was collecting at the tip of his hardon. I scooped it up with my index finger and placed it in my mouth provocatively. “You are a dirty bitch”!, he exclaimed.

I know…

I slipped his boxers down his thighs and Alex sat on the bed as I eased them off and threw them on to the bedroom floor. He was rock hard and his cock was now bouncing around in front of me as he straddled my torso. He pushed my boobs together and began to run his cock up and down the valley between them. I knew what he wanted. 😉

I passed him some tissue to wipe his hands and took hold of my breasts, pushing them together to form a deep valley. Alex didn’t need an invitation he pushed his cock between my boobs and I closed the gap around them. Creating a cock sandwich.

Alex smiled at me and started to push his way through my fleshy mounds. As his head appeared his foreskin pulled back revealing his plump dark pink helmet. “I’m a bit dry”, he divulged. I spat on to the tip of his cock before he withdrew it back between my tits once more.

Now lubed he started to fuck my tits with slightly more vigour and I watched as he pumped into me. Don’t ask me why but I love to watch him wanking between my boobs. I was getting wet and excited so I crossed my legs and started to run my thighs together in rhythm with his thrusts.

He was really going for it and I almost lost my grip on the oil and had to retrieve my right breast before it escaped. 🙂 I had him firmly in my grasp again and Alex was getting close, his head was in it’s I’m about to come position and his eyes were closed. He was panting now, trying to hold himself back to build to a more powerful orgasm.

In and out, in and out then…it was like someone had just stabbed him in the back. He arched his back, threw back his head and little white gems propelled on to my chest. One even caught me squarely on the chin. Great shot! I scooped it up and put my finger to Alex’s lips. He sucked my finger clean as his last orgasmic thrust waned.

He fell back on to the bed as I admired his Pollock style creativity.

Getting Them Out For The Lads

Tia BrodieThe other day I wrote here about the absurd sensitivity of the BBC producers in making Louise Michin cover up her rather nice cleavage when she presented The One Show in the absence of Christine Bleakley.

Louise leaned towards the camera as she presented the show and gave us all a sneaky peek at her assets.  It wasn’t obscene and despite the show being aired at 7pm it wasn’t more than a glimpse of something you can quite readily see on most of Britain’s streets at the moment as we bask in the sunshine.

However someone at the BBC deemed that she should cover up.  Now this irked me at the time that I realised what they had made her do during the show but even more so after reading today’s press.

I just finished reading up about one of the contestants on Britain’s Got Talent.  I don’t watch the show but this lady made the headlines because she did her fire eating act wearing just a pair of knickers and a couple of pasties over her nipples, as you can see above.

Which beggars the question, “how come Tia Brodie can appear semi naked on a prime time television program and Louise Minchin had to cover up?”.  Something’s a miss somewhere.  Do ITV have more lax policies on “titillation”?.  Hmmm.

Power Pussy

PussySuze has very exacting standards when it comes to sex toys. When you’ve been testing sex toys for as long as she has it sort of comes with the territory. It’s not that she is picky, she just knows what works for her.

Of course what works for one person may not work for another and vice versa but on the whole, if you have the experience that Suze has you know enough about anatomy and sex toy designs to understand how they interact to produce the required level of ecstasy, or not as the case may be.

Of course when you first start testing sex toys that doesn’t occur to you, every one is an adventure and exciting. It would be too easy to get carried away but Suze has a level of professionalism when it comes to sex toy testing and despite being a hedonist of the first order she is able to run the parallel threads of orgasm and analysis to bring you the best of sex toy reviews.

Her latest one is over at SexToysBuzz.com right now for you to read. Enjoy.

Fucking A Fire Fighter

Fireman

The sex shop was quiet, just us and a couple of assistants. Apparently the rush doesn’t start until around lunchtime on Saturdays. So if you are shy about visiting a store near you why not go early on Saturday morning. 😉

As usual we did the rounds spotting loads of toys we have reviewed over at Sex Toys Buzz. I couldn’t resist going over to the other end of the counter to check out if they have any new ranges. At that point an assistant started giving me the technical info … I humoured her, couldn’t quite bring myself to say “… actually I do this for a living …”

I wonder if she has guessed that we are a little more involved in the adult arena than most of her visitors. 🙂

We had a look at the DVDs but as is quite common these days we have the newest titles sent to us for review before the shops I have a couple to watch later.

On the way back we decided to take a different route and I spotted a charity car wash sign handwritten by the roadside. I looked around for the providers of the service, expecting them to be a bunch of boy scouts or girl guides raising funds.

But no. the boys who were doing the soapy rub downs were the local firemen. They were armed with buckets of water dressed in their fireman’s trousers and a black t-shirt. I suddenly felt the urge to have the car cleaned but Alex drove on by. 🙁

I wonder if they will be there tomorrow…

Inside A Rampant Pussy

Back SeatThe male genitalia are if you think about it the ultimate expression of the primitive male psyche. A rampant cock and the balls attached to it scream out the owner’s fertility and one of their primary functions as members of the species – to fertilise the female’s ovum and thus ensure the survival of the species.

It does explain a lot about even the modern man’s propensity to become a little cock fixated. From the moment we are born guys are conscious of their cocks. As they grow older the size of their penis and how often it gets used becomes part of our thought processes. Not all men think with their cocks all of their time but the penis and associated urges are in charge enough to make us easily manipulated at times and just plain dumb at other. It also means that we can be very single minded in pursuit of some things, usually sex of one sort or another.

I wonder how different it would have been if the woman had the penis and drew sperm out of a male vagina? An odd thought  I know. Odder still if you consider how it would have affected art, culture and society in general. And how would men have shown off? Would they have been proud of a tight “mangina” or an easily accessible capacious one?

Actually, should it be man-pussy as the word mangina has already been appropriated for other uses.

What do you mean you’ve never heard it … well if a guy tucks his cock and balls between his legs so they aren’t visible you have a mangina. Urban dictionary has more definitions but this is the one I’m familiar with.

Pantie Power

Men's PantsWomen have always been pampered when it comes to underwear, styles may change but there has always been a variety of styles to choose from, be you Bridgette Jones or a femme fetale.  I used to spend a small fortune on underwear when I was younger, admittedly I did have more disposable income back then but I think I have tempered my spending as I got older.

I would think nothing of going out to a luxurious underwear boutique and purchasing the whole range in a particular style, not just the panties and bra but the suspender belt and the non wired and wired version of the bra.

As the years passed I became a little more frugal opting for the mainstream shops like Marks & Spencer, who I must say do still have a wonderful range of undies to select from.

But when it came to men’s underwear, what were the options…y fronts, boxers and for the more adventurous a thong.  It must have been a sight to beholden when a woman removes her garments layer by layer until she stands before you in her sensuous, seductive lingerie.

And what did we ladies get?  A hasty unzipping of the flies and both trousers and underwear kicked off in to a far distant corner of the room.  No slow reveal.  Well, lets be honest some of the underwear I’ve seen guys in is better removed at speed.  Lol

Now there is something new and exciting for we ladies to enjoy, just like the image above.  Men’s underwear has come on leaps and bounds and I for one am pleased to see the male underwear revolution if this is what we get to look at.

You can check out the full range of kinky wear here.

Sex In The Morning

Silk RobeWhat do you think of when you wake up? For most men, even I they aren’t consciously thinking about it their body’s natural state on waking is to be in possession of an erection. It’s therefore difficult to avoid thoughts of sex when that happens.

You don’t have to be having a naughty dream for it to happen so it must be the relaxed state you find yourself in on emerging from sleep.

So do all men immediately think about sex when they wake up or is it more the practical issue of how to safely make a cup of coffee with a big stiff cock waving in front of you?

Fucking To Happiness

SuzeI think that what this country needs is to accept that in these increasingly austere times there is only one thing to do. Stay in and get jiggy. It’s great exercise, cheers you up and brings you together with your partner.

I’m not saying that you should stop going out altogether, but there’s so much you can do in the bedroom I’m sure you’d still be exploring new possibilities until well after the recession is over.

That is of course if the current trend towards the restrictions on sexual freedom don’t continue. I’m not talking about the witch hunt surrounding “extreme porn”, that useless piece of legislation that will prosecute citizens of the UK and leave the really sick bastards purveying horrible content from anonymous and untouchable overseas servers and file sharing networks immune. No, I’m talking about the potential in some quarters to get very sanctimonious and judgemental about all things sexual at times like these.

The sort of things I’m talking about are the reluctance of councils to allow adult shops and venues to open in their areas – which has more to do with moralistic judgements and trying to appeal to certain groups of voters than anything else. There are places where adult businesses shouldn’t be allowed but some councils are starting to take a New York style approach to the granting of licences and increasing yearly fees.

Then there’s the question of what is and isn’t acceptable in the mainstream media. Recent stupidity by some high profile celebrities means that there’s a nervous mood amongst TV execs and content is going to become bland because of it.

Anyway, back to my original point. Escapism can help cheer up the country and what better escapism than in private with your loved one doing the things that you both enjoy the most?

Sexual Depravity Inc

BustIf there ever was a film which screamed sexual depravity it was Caligula. Aiming to shock and with ambitions to be a classic it has notoriety but is more of an oddity or aberration in cinema. It stands out as a lavish production that seems incongruous in its juxtaposition of salacious spectacle with some notable acting talents like O’Toole and Gielgud .

The director Tinto Brass has been taken ill recently so his 3D adult movie project, allegedly a remake of the 1979 Caligula may be on hold for some time. You can read all about it here.

Bridging the gap between mainstream and the erotic is difficult, stretching further to produce a porn movie that matches up to conventional cinema’s standards may be an impossible task. The market for such output is relatively small and this limits budgets. You can’t produce a film to the quality of Avatar with a budget of over £200 million if you’re only selling a few hundreds or tens of thousands of copies on DVD.

Do You Shag In The Woods

SuzeWhen the weather starts to improve we do enjoy a long walk in the woods to help us appreciate the natural beauty of the area in which we live. No, really that’s what we do. However when we have walked far enough to shield us from the eyes of other walker we can get a little naughty.

Just Suze me and the wildlife.

And when the undergrowth gets a little thicker I often can’t resist slipping my arm around Suze and pulling her close to me, feeling her boobs pressed against me and slipping my tongue into her mouth.

I feel myself becoming hard against her and grab her bottom. My hand drifted between us and I began to rub her pussy through her trousers.

“Someone might see us!” She’ll complain, pushing me away, so I usually stop.

Are we getting too sensible?

Office Girls Making You Cum

CunnilingusIs there a protocol for who you should and shouldn’t masturbate about? Masturbation doesn’t have to be a solo experience, for many couples, us included it’s done in company. So the person you’re thinking about when you do masturbate is the one with you, often the one with their hand around your cock.

When you’re not in a relationship of course things are different. The object of your desire may be a model in a glossy porn magazine or it may be a real person. Perhaps someone you’ve met, maybe even work with.

Should you be guilty about having sexual thoughts about them, particularly if you do not know if they are reciprocated?

So long as the whole thing doesn’t turn into an obsession, then fair enough. Solo masturbation is very different from expressing you sexual feeling for another while they’re in the same room. It’s purely one-sided and while not in itself a problem doesn’t give you a true perspective of your feelings towards another.

Although some people might be offended to learn that you’ve jacked off to lewd thoughts about them I would venture a fair proportion would be quite flattered. After all, don’t we all want to be wanted, platonically, amorously or sexually?

I wouldn’t suggest you go and confess all to your latest wank fantasy as a punch in the mouth often offends …

Doggy Style Fuckus Interruptus

Doggy Glory HoleI was thinking about my post the other day about the “Velcro effect” which happens when Alex and my pubic re-growth start interlock during sex.  There are a few situations which can throw both of us off our paces.

I’ve mentioned before the “clit skid”, that’s when Alex misaligns himself with me and instead of entering me, his thrust skids up between my labia and over my labia which if dry can be just a tad sensitive. Eeekkk!

Well, there is a new one now.  The cheese wire.  It occurs after I have taken a shower and we get down to some naughty business.  At the point of entering me Alex detects an obstacle.  One of my long hairs stretched across my pussy which had obviously been deposited there when the water ran down my back.

He bounces off the hair and then feels around until he locates it, removing the offending hair and throwing it on to the bedroom floor.  I’m not sure what may happen if Alex ignored it and fucked me anyway, whether his cock would be sliced in two just like a cheese wire.  Hair is strong but I don’t think so, I just think it would be bloody uncomfortable.  Lol

Do you have anything to add to our list, any little issues which sometimes occur during sex?

Sexual Attraction

Kenneth WilliamsI have just been checking out the top ten men that women shouldn’t but would have sex with.  It makes for interesting reading with Simon Cowell in first place winning 64% of the votes.

Looking through those nominated by women it occurred to me that the selection process seems to have been, taking in to account that James Cordon came in second place with 61% of the vote based on two different criteria.  This proves that there is more to a woman’s selection of a sexual partner than good looks.

Our choices seem to be based on two criteria, power and humour most of these guys fit in to one or both of those categories.  And I have to agree that I have a weakness for strong minded, humorous guys.

I suppose when you look at both traits do blur in to each other because humorous people have power, the power to make us all laugh.  Interesting thought and one which requires further thought…